Piotr Anderszewski ?

This man  PIOTR ANDERSZEWSKI,  is one of my favorite pianists.  That is why I posted his interview regarding performance anxiety.

Performance angst has literally murdered many a great performance of great music.  A pianist performing a recital is a vessel through which music is channelled...  being alone on a huge stage can be indescribable.  One walks out and sits before a huge instrument... the piano.  Your voice is released through your fingers, body language and silences.

The possibility that you may make a mistake, miss a "Que" when a certain Harmonic leading tone will transpose you to the next musical passage...  I for one hate the fearful drama.

Years ago I thrived on it.  Performing was like a drug.  I needed the approval of applause, adoration, simply being one with my ego?  In later years I discovered that I had a "musical past" being a pianist.  Could I perform up to the glorious moments of my past?   The doubt, questions and fears gradually begin seeping into moments of my then current performances.

Up until I turned 55 years of age...  then I began to realize one thing:  I had an audience of young people.  Young musicians that expected perfection and confidence from the moment I set foot on that stage.  The responsibility became over whelming at times.  I spent a fortune on hypnosis.  I guess it helped, but I still had these ghosts that whisper:  YOU WILL FAIL, haunting my mind and body, most all my very nerve endings.

20 years ago they started giving drugs for such anxiety.  Enderil?  I cannot recall the name of the drug.  I think it was used as a beta blocker.  Ages ago I took one before a recital only to feel "OUT OF IT"

OMG, I would have been better off if I had toked a joint!  There is one drug that does help:  XANEX.
I know it is addictive?  Well, so it milk, Advil, Alcohol and a few other things that are approved to be fine for the entire human race.  Taking a very tiny bite of Zanex has helped me with many performances within the past 10 years.  It has also kept me from killing some people I know...  NO  YOU  DO  NOT  TAKE  IT EVERYDAY... only when performing or ready to KILL.

I can imagine what a surgeon must feel every time a body is laid on the operating table and it comes down to LIFE OR DEATH?   Those men and women have hands made of gold and minds that can let go of so many mistakes as well as the most successful moments.

I know that there are times when I am cooking... (again the use of the hands, like musicians, surgeons, painters... writers...) and I fail to make something perfect.  Usually my hands, heart and mind signal me screaming:  DON'T SERVE THAT!

I can stop and RE-MAKE the plate.  Re cook the steak... but when one is on a stage  NO YOU FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT.  Like being naked in front of the entire universe!  Fine, if you are one of those people that won the DNA LOTTO  you will look so great no one will care what you sound like...!

In all reality we all do this with our lives.  We try to live it, but there are times we fake it and eventually the damn thing works.

I love Piotr's piano playing and his music touches me in places I must go at times.  He is a most honest man!  Hope I am.