Feeling much better

Ah, I think I am restored somewhat to my normal (what in hell normal is?) self.  I have been in a horrible FUNK.  Depressed... then happy...  anxious about nothing and then exhausted.  I hate it when my brain chemicals drop head first into the basement of despair.

I am a "sensitive".  That can be a difficult blessing or a dreadful curse.  I learned 60  years ago how to draw a circle of invisible light energy around my body that would protect me from outside emotions.  Emotions are pure energy and every emotion is felt because of a chemical reaction to some kind of action.  Emotions have vibrations and color.  They can guide us or destroy us.  Music, art, poetry, literature, dance, drama have all played a very important part in saving me from my self.  WHY?

When I was a little boy music became my "voice".   I learned how to use it and it's force has forever been the blessed olive branch between my mind and heart.  I can sit with a musical score and marvel at it's code of dots, horizontal and vertical lines, spaces and mathematics that give birth to sound, color and emotion.  I relate music completely with nature.  Nature is pure music to my mind, heart and spirit.
Even as I am composing this blog post I am listening to Debussy.

The past few days my body and mind and heart have been out of tune.  I have simply not been tuning the instrument!  I allowed far too many outside vibrations to set of a dissonance I could not understand.
I could not stand the sound of it inside my sacred space.  The dissonance was screaming negative sounds that have no meaning except separation, anger, fear and the most dreadful thing in the world to my way of thinking: helplessness.

I could not sleep last night.  I chased my damn pillow around the bed 100 times.  I strangled myself with my sheets, I rolled on my right side, I rolled to my left side.  I tried laying on my back, stomach and finally got out of bed, walked up the stairs to the upper level of the house.

Opened the door into the garden.  The firmament was breath taking!  The milky way a highway paved with diamonds.  The Southern Cross gleamed like a sacred icon from the most sacred cathedral in the universe... a melody started faintly playing inside my brain... a little melody I learned as boy in one of my piano method books!  I started laughing and then I felt tears on my cheeks.  Tears are jewels.  I know for a fact that when I am distressed IF I get in the truck and start driving and then crying I feel fantastic.  They seem to release all kinds of unsay able things.  Tears are rivers of RELEASE.

I walked around the garden in my bare feet absorbing the dew on the grass, inhaling the scent of early morning light.  Magic.  It worked... a healing beyond explanation.  I'm good today.  OMG, I may do something creative and fun before tomorrow!