Seeing places on earth where I have traveled...

I am enjoying something that one must live long enough to experience and thanks to the COMPUTER I am able to explore this 'dream' in ways that years ago would have been impossible.

A week ago, I decided to search out places where I performed with the USO during the late 60's and into the 70's. This adventure has stirred up old memories of people, weather conditions, smells and emotions that I was feeling as a man in his early 20's! The anxieties, doubts, hopes, fears, insecurities and loneliness of travel...

I loved the tours I made into the Pacific Islands. The Marshall Islands have changed since I was there. I spent Thanksgiving at Eniwetok Atoll in the Marshall's around 1972. The Islands were full of radiation due to the atomic bomb testing in the 40's. (god, possibly I picked up some radiation during that time??????) I did a google search and everything MARSHALL ISLANDS popped up. It has been wonderful to see the culture, people and 2009 lifestyle of these Islanders!

I found Johnston Island. This Island had meaning to me because of it's name. Also, I visited Midway, Rota and parts of the Samoan Islands which I thought were heavenly as well as the people were heavenly.

Viet Nam, Guam, Thailand, the Philippines are nothing like when I performed on their turf except the climate, and the people look the same and I am sure that health and lifestyle has improved.

I used a Wurlitzer Electronic Piano! Today, Yamaha has a keyboard that SOUNDS LIKE AND HAS THE KEYBOARD OF A GRAND PIANO! Not in the late 60's! The piano I was hauling around had to be set for 240 voltage, not 110! I wore jump-suit tuxedos with glitter on them! We used sound systems that we thought were state of the art, but by today's standards they were dinosaurs! I remember being in the Mekong Delta and asked where my dressing room was? They handed me a large nail.

I made three trips to South East Asia. Korea and Viet Nam being the main centers. I have old photos of shows I backed in Okinawa Japan and interesting enough, I read where Okinawa is one of the healthiest places on earth to live! Dha?

Iceland was one of my favorite places. I get the Icelandic News every day via my e mail. Even Iceland has changed so much from when I was there! Alaska was simply ice and snow when I played there, so even though I loved the "NORTHERN EXPOSURE" series on television a few years ago, I never saw Alaska in the summer months.

Some places have not changed one being Morocco. Turkey was 'magical' to me when I was 22 going on 23. I remember my 23rd Birthday in Ankora. Very big drunken event! I did love Greece. I know, I know, some people hate that hot white sunshine and the food, but I thought the energy was indescribable when I was very young and swimming naked, in the sea at sunset was a religious moment to my way of thinking. The Greeks know how to make love...

I have returned to Europe a few times, but the Mediterranean I have not visited since my first USO tour in 1969. When I was in Madrid it was going through a complete 'make-over', one only has to go on line to see that city NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Memories are wonderful and time frames are precious, but the future is forever OUT THERE! I keep reaching out for more. I do not mind change. The only change I mind, some days is the change within and outside my body!

One day I'll write a book! (now that is really talking in the FUTURE!)

What in Hell?

I have spent a hell of a lot of time writing a blog only to have it evaporate into space? I will re-write tomorrow.

Until then: Have a most glorious holiday and do not sweat the small stuff!

All the small things (Bush and Cheney) are going to go away with the year 2008 and all kinds of VERY LARGE AND WONDERFULLY BIG THINGS will appear in 2009.

Much love, BJ

To Worry OR NOT to WORRY?

The past few days I have received many alerts pertaining to the current economic and the political situation in the USA and the world.

Many persons that I hold in high esteem because they are intelligent, (and far wiser than me), tell me one must have certain items on hand in order to handle the up coming events. Mainly food and medical/health supplies.

Others tell me it is all hype, the media has gone bonkers and to over react it exactly how the powers that be; CONTROL US EARTHLINGS!

Well, I do know that the economy in the USA has gone to hell. For some it is a blessing. BUY, BUY and then some more buying properties, stocks and what ever else will make tons of money in the years to come, however, if you are a wage earner or even less, (of which I was for years) you do not view this situation as a blessing!

I must agree with one thing: A person is stupid that does not have the knowledge and the energy to grow a vegetable garden. A person is stupid that will not question authority and it's source or information. One should and must plan for bad times. Having plenty of rice, flour, sugar and water on hand is not an insane idea. Having canned goods, mainly beans, meats and fruits in cases is a very good thing because it saves not only trips to the grocery, but there are times you simply do not want to do the daily shopping thing. (If you are chef, you love seeing the things you need when inspiration tells you to create a certain food item, and the ingredients are there, in your pantry!)

I have always maintained that a person should have a supply of antibiotics, pain killers and anti-inflammatory drugs at the ready, because I have seen and lived through some times in my past that required such things and they were not available due to situations occurring on weekends, holidays or being out of the country and needing help!

Matches, and batteries are a reality, plus extra blankets and first aid kits, and I am not talking about the early Gurl Scout packs. You can purchase a fabulous first aid kit on line or from any pharmacy. I keep one in my kitchen in the restaurant and it is one of the most valuable instruments within the range of creating food. (not counting gallons of Aleve, Advil, and Xanax.)

Ships are sitting in ports around the world that are supposed to be sailing to America. They are full of iron ore, food, raw materials for making everything from drugs to condoms... THEY WILL NOT SAIL! WHY? America has no credit. America cannot be trusted to pay the debt. We barrow from China just to keep our war with Iraq going! Would you send a billion dollar cargo ship to Seattle when you are not sure IF they can give you the money owed, let alone, a credit card?

I say: Put cash aside in a safety deposit box, in a Kerr Jar in the garden! Buy staples in cases, huge amounts. Like: a flat of pork 'n beans, a case of black beans, a case of stewed tomatoes, a case of tuna fish, a case of pasta, a few extra boxes of salt, pounds of flour. YEAST! OMG if you don't know how to make bread LEARN! Sugar is important as well as all kinds of lentils, root veggies, like: Carrots, Cabbage, Beets, Potatoes, Turnips... stuff you can grown on the very earth your living on!

Do keep in mind: you may want to stash away some booze? Cheap WINE! Diet Coke and CHIPS! I really doubt digital devices will disappear. WHY? THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE WE SIMPLY DID NOT KNOW HOW TO CONNECT WITH THEM, besides we are only digits with in a HOLOGRAPHIC INTERCONNECTED PARADIGM. My friend Diviana calls it HIP. The universe and everything in it is a majestic dream unfolding within an infinite supremely whole and infinite hologram... (Diviana)

God will work with you but nor for you! I learned that thousands of years ago, that is why the Mormon Church hates me as well as the Catholics and most of all the Baptists. Some say it is GAY ISSUES! NOT SO! I know, that they DON'T KNOW and that is ALARMING as HELL to MOST, CHRISTIANS!

All day, I have been slowly simmering a fantastic all natural vegetable soup. Used everything from cabbage to beans. I dug through every shelf and drawer we had in this house for what ever in hell could be put into a stew. Well, I just took a break and ran upstairs. It is divine. I chopped some of my glorious herbs and lots of onions and other goodies to make the stock.
Wish you were here. Natural delight tonight!

Stock up on the things you always use and most of all stock up of light, love and fearlessness.

100% Full Moon

Last night the moon was magnificent!

Tonight is the FULL MOON. Venus and Jupiter are brighter than I ever remember.

Full moons are very sacred to me. Moonlight is a magical paler shade of white... I know people that claim the full moon
disrupts their ability to sleep? I sleep just fine moon or no moon. I do know that in our business, when there is a FULL
MOON, people behave differently. Alcohol seems to have a more intense effect upon the bar patrons as well as customers eating food in my restaurant. If you look out in the parking lot when the moon is in full light there are lots of pick up trucks!
The pick-up trucks usually mean ACTION for SOME ONE before the moon sets and the sun rises! Full moons cause lots of things to RISE so to speak!

Today was a beautiful day. I positioned my body on a comfortable bench in the out door mall and proceeded to watch people. Music was every where. Not many Americans, but lots of Europeans, Scandinavians, and South Americans, all speaking in their native languages. The different dialects makes for a most interesting
musical fugues... mix the voices with the sounds of traffic, background music from bars and the sound of people's shoes and feet grating along the pavement... wind, dogs barking, endless sounds. Some people would call it NOISE.

I have to watch body movements and eyes as well as the hands. Gestures can be marvelous interpretive
signs when trying to understand a foreigner attempt to express what they are feeling using their native language.

Along the water front were two very young men that I swear stepped out of San Francisco 1963... Hair piled on
their heads, beards and the clothing and shoes were priceless time pieces. One played what appeared to be a very old Ukulele
and the other played the Recorder. The recorder is like a flute. They used no amplification except the acoustic backside of the wind carrying the music to eager ears within the range of sound. I put 3 dollars into the cap they had laid on the cement for gifts of pocket change.

Hopefully they will have earned enough coins at the end of the afternoon so they could buy a lid of dope, or a cheap bottle of wine, better yet groceries.

So many memories flew threw my mind as I listened to their music, watching their bodies move to the music they were creating. Gentle, melodic, almost folk music and yet there was something very mystical and spiritual hidden within their music. The whole scene was like a past life regression moment.

I loved being in the sunshine. I did not care IF the rays burned my balding head! I did not care if the sunshine kissed my flesh too hotly this afternoon. I kept thinking about vitamin D as well as so many other gifts the sun affords us.

Moon light and sun light. Such sacred gifts. "Let There Be Light!"

Last night the rain spoke to me...

Loving my down time... weather has expressed every possible mood swing!
Tonight the sky is lovely with racing clouds, stars and the occasional satellite sailing across the firmament.

Today was my yearly visit to my dentist here in QT. He is practically the only dentist to look in side my mouth in the past 17 years! (There have been the occasional emergency chipping of a tooth that required local attention in the states.) He did the X-rays and the usual poking and prying between teeth. I had no problems. I said, "OMG, that is the best news I have had from a Doctor in 8 months!" He laughed. I am fortunate to have inherited one healthy thing, well a lot of healthy parts to my anatomy, but the teeth I am grateful for.

Last night I went sound asleep only to awaken at around 4:45 AM. The sound of rain and first light of day reaching for the mountain peaks. I thought of a wonderful poem by one of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver. She is an amazing artist. I put on my bathrobe and walked onto the front porch so as to open the door of my studio. I reached for the book, there it was: Last Night The Rain Spoke To Me... It says so many things on so many levels...

Last night
the rain
spoke to me
slowly, saying,

what joy
to come falling
out of the brisk cloud,
to be happy again

in a new way
on the earth!
That's what it said
as it dropped,

smelling of iron,
and vanished
like a dream of the ocean
into the branches

and the grass below.'Then it was over.
The sky cleared.
I was standing

under a tree.
The tree was a tree
with happy leaves,
and I was myself,

and there were stars in the sky
that were also themselves
at the moment,
at which moment

my right hand
was holding my left hand
which was holding the tree
which was filled with stars

and the soft rain---
imagine! imagine!
the long, and wondrous journeys
still to be ours.

I am on a new adventure. I am writing and making music once again! If for nothing but my own amazement and joy!

The magic of TOUCH...

Happy day! I have been 72 hours without taking a single Oxycontin pill!!!

Four weeks ago today, November the 5th they removed the cancer and repaired the hernia. Four weeks ago I did not know IF I would be able to make the long trip to New Zealand, but four weeks later I am back in Queenstown, and best news today: I have not taken any of the prescription pain pills.

Today I had an appointment with my Chiropractor Doctor. He is thrilled over the fact I am playing piano once again and the left elbow has healed. He adjusted my neck, which I knew was out of place... We talked about the cancer and how pain moves through the various nerves of the body.

Neki is from India. He has magic hands. I observe people's hands carefully. The Knee surgeon that replaced my left knee had the most beautiful hands you can imagine. My surgeons in Jackson Hole WY had wonderfully shaped hands. My Chiropractic Doctor in JH also has perfect hands, (but types with two fingers!) Neki is right up there with strong, intense fingers and his touch is pure energy.

I have always been very sensitive to touch. Playing an musical instrument involves touch and choreography of the entire body. I have always found the touch of keys on a piano to be sensuously smooth and hard... (No wonder I practice/play for hours on end! as strange as it sounds kind of like PLAYING WITH YOURSELF!)

One of my favorite lines from Gibran has to do with touch and sound... " If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song, and if our hands should meet in another dream, we shall build another tower in the sky..."

I thank my lucky stars for the Internet! A friend that I have loved since the mid 1960's has a serious brain cancer. His niece was surfing the net and came upon my blog, from there she sent me an e mail and re-connected me with a friend that was a major player in the many dramas I "STARED" in during the 70's and early 80's! I visited with my friend in Maryland many times before my move to Wyoming years ago... We are linked once again, both having cancer and both reaching out our hands across the miles, touching as it were in another dream!

I remember my Aunt Lorraine, who lost her eye sight in the later years of her life, telling me that she could actually see with her hands... she could feel fabric and tell you what the color was! It was as if all her other senses were more acute because of the loss of one of her most important senses, the ability to see with the human eye! No wonder I love petting my cats!

Heros

I am sitting in my tiny speck of heaven. My studio in Queenstown, New Zealand. This tiny room is a small space the size of most people's walk-in closets. It has a wonderful sky light window that joins a full wall window that opens to allow fresh air and light into this sacred cell. I have posted photos of the inside of the studio on past blogs.

The gardens surrounding the house are over grown, but beautiful, with roses in bloom, pansies and my small herb garden survived the winter. Like the words from the song, Scarborough Fair I have sage, rosemary and thyme. But, I also have gorgeous chives, robust mint and soon basil will be in pots that sit on the steps leading to the upper gardens.

This morning is glorious with the sunshine and views of the lake and mountains. The birds are singing hymns to the morning light and praise for a new day! The morning mist and play on light and shadow always touchs a hidden place inside my mind and heart... like poetry and music.

I did have some reservations about my ability to fly for such long periods of time this soon after the surgeries. Everything went well in SLC International. Then LAX is always confusing to me. Why is this airport such a dilemma when it comes to finding the International Terminal after landing and getting out on the sidewalk? For 19 years I have either lost luggage, or made the wrong turn when walking out of the terminal and ended up at the wrong destination. We made it through security just in time and I was the last person to board the Qantas 747 plane that would land in Auckland NZ 11 hours later. My heart skipped a few beats as I walked down the ramp onto the plane. I was flying as had been planned months ago! I did not cry, I just kept on walking. I was shaky and tired, but dear GOD I WAS ON THE PLANE! The trip was smooth and I slept most of the way until we landed in NZ.

I watched a stupid show last night on CNN about heroes. Maybe we need heroes. I have one that has stood by me through every kind of drama, that person would be Michael. He has been a rock when I have lost loved ones, fallen ill, stressed over performances, worried about the business, you name it he has been my hero through thick and through thin. Speaking of thin, OMG, I remember years ago trying to loose weight, never imagining the day would come when I would be TRYING TO GAIN WEIGHT! What the hell? I am back up to 152.5 lbs this morning. I weighed in at 150 when we hit the ground in NZ, but I do believe the loss of pounds was due to stress and concern about flying as well as the food on Qantas was shit. I mean it.
Qantas usually has fine food and leg room, not anymore! They wanted $5000.00 dollars for me to up grade to business class.
I said NO to such an insane figure. Why would people that have zillions of dollars even pay such a price? It is an insult to one's intelligence. So I think!

Yesterday I walked to the center of town. Had afternoon tea and did some banking and posting of cards. Practiced Bach Preludes and Fugues until midnight! Speaking within the language of music is bliss. Learning new music is a mental and physical exercise only a musician understands.

I do believe I have nearly reached the top of the mountain and will be healthy once again! I have mountains of things I hope to enjoy and achieve during my holiday. For one thing I will catch up writing this blog.

I adore my friends and love you. You are my extended family and in reality no doubt my real spiritual family.
Until later, seek love, light and bliss.

off line for a while...

I am on the mend. Every day I seem to be able to do more than the day before. Most of all I can play piano. In my
60's I HATE PERFORMING at the piano, but I LOVE PLAYING the piano. I am able to cook dinner every night and today I drove to Thayne Wyoming, did grocery shopping, post office business and some banking, so I am out and about.

Tomorrow late afternoon we will close the house for the season and fill the pick up full of luggage and things to take to Utah as well as New Zealand. Spend Thanksgiving with my parents and fly out the next afternoon. November 28. Fly from SLC to LAX and from LAX to Auckland New Zealand which is about a 12 hour flight. Then go through customs and catch another flight to Queenstown, which is on the South Island.

I will be back on line by the first week in December. It has been a difficult 8 months, but I feel confident everything will begin looking up. I remember years ago when I was in my late 20's and early 30's I suffered some horrific problems, but after much consternation and grief I moved on past the demons and depression stepping into a different light. Hopefully I will do the same in the coming weeks and months.

The bend in the road

We closed the Nordic Inn the last Sunday night in September. I was totally exhausted. Usually I am elated and over the moon with happiness knowing what lays ahead. NYC, piano lessons with my two mentors, concerts at Carnegie Hall and long walks through Central Park, hours in the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Moma. Time alone in a city that never sleeps! I had reservations at the Wellington Hotel, behind Carnegie Hall, my plane tickets and dates and times for performance classes and tickets to certain concerts I wanted to attend. I cancelled the trip due to health problems.

I could not muster the strength to practice piano and I had gone from a 175-185 pound man to 140 pounds in less than two months! After much begging from friends and loved ones I made an appointment with a fine surgeon/MD in Jackson Hole. I had a bad hernia that needed to be FIXED! After my consultations with the surgeon he immediately had a slew of tests arranged the next day. Blood, X-rays, then upper and lower GI tests, more X-rays and at the last moment he decided I needed a CAT-SCAN. I was worn out after a full morning and afternoon in the hospital. They would call me as soon as the results were in.

I have been having LORDEX treatments on my spine and they worked like magic! I had finished a treatment and was climbing into my pick up when my cell phone began ringing. It was the Doctor. He was in Idaho Falls on business but felt he must call me ASAP to inform me I had a very serious tumor growning on the lower part of my left kidney. He said that is had to be looked into immediately! I told him to please find a specialist in the area and set an appointment for me. Two days later I was set up for surgery. I was full of E-Coli Bacteria, so we had to delay the surgery and I started on a course of strong antibiotics.

I entered the hospital on November 5th around 11 AM. The pre-op work had been done the day before and so it was a matter of getting out of my clothes and into the smart looking hospital gown... meet the anatheseist and the nurse was an angel explaining all the things that were going to take place. At 2:15 PM I was given a shot in the IV they had placed in the wrist of my left hand. It seemed we were flying into the operating room. I do recall the lights and people inside the room. I would have two surgeons assisting each other. One removing the tumor and the other repairing the hernia. 3 1/2 hours later I was in recovery... The hernia was a mess. It was a Pantaloon Hernia. One hernia is coming out, the other is going in... I have three incisions. One below the navel, one on each side of the navel. The tumor on the kidney was the size of a large lemon.
It was cancer. They removed 1/3 of my left kidney and the entire tumor. Because of the size of the tumor I will have more tests the first part of February when I am in New Zealand.

Of course I felt no pain the first night and next morning. I had a epidermal and drip in my back, drips with antibiotics, morphine, my food and a catheter. Could not really move, eat or drink fluids but I had no pain. Day three they took out the catheter, the epidermal and some of the IV drips. By 3:00 PM I was praying that I would see THE PROVERBIAL LIGHT! THERE WAS NO LIGHT! I was crying, my lungs were full of fluid and the pain was unexplainable.

The pain was a number 10 on a scale of one to ten. I had four nurses helping me and my surgeon was called in. They gave me a strong anti inflammatory through he IV and a different pain medicine. It took a good two hours before I passed through the BEND IN THE ROAD. I must say, that is one time in my life I honestly prayed to die.

I have a 10 inch cut on the left side of my back that comes around my hip and under the rib cage. It is swollen but, the pain is under control. I am home, reading, resting, playing piano, writing and taking gentle walks into the woods. I am cooking meals and baking fantastic chololate chip cookies as well as yummy Oatmeal cookies. (Trying to put on some weight!) Yesterday I drove the pick up to the Post Office and local grocery store. I am regaining my strength and my weight is up to 150 pounds!

A week ago I walked out of the hospital. Today Michael drove me up to see the Doctors. I have the okay for my trip to New Zealand. Have to be careful for the next 6 weeks. Can't lift much or do anything strenuous. BUT, I will be able to fly the long flight from LAX to Auckland. It will be early spring when I arrive in Queenstown. I have 5 blessed months to heal.

Hopefully they captured all the cancer. They removed a cancerous polyp from my colon during the lower GI tests. When they told me I had cancer I never dreamed it would be in the kidney! I thought bladder, lungs, stomach BRAIN? but not the kidney.
Now, here is the interesting part. 8 months ago, my dear friend Belva Bloomer analyzed my saliva before and after my knee surgery in NZ. She told me that my left kidney was only functioning at about 30%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have lived in an amazing body. The nurses in the hospital could not believe that I am 62 years old and this is the first time I have had any serious surgery except for my knee replacement! I have my own teeth, good hearing and sight and most of all friends that love me and a wonderful extended family I adore.

Will write more later... but at least I made it around the bend in the road! I have an entire belief about why and how my kidney became the host for the cancer... I may write about it and I may not. Spirit will guide me.

I've missed writing my blog for so long and once again it will become a way for relase and healing.

I'm back!

The summer season was flowing like honey. The knee replacement is a dream, help was good and the business a perfect balance between, patio dining, inside restaurant and the bar crowd. I cooked every meal except for a few rare exceptions when I absolutely needed help.

August 8th I suffered a complete mental and physical melt down. I usually weigh in at 175 pounds and IF I'M WORKING OUT AT THE GYM usually around 185. I went from 180 pounds to 141.05 pounds. Some days I weigh in around 144. Last year I suffered with unrelenting pain on the left side of my body. End of July I began experiencing severe pain in the right side of my lower back which radiated down the into the front of my thigh. I could hardly stand and I stand up to 15 hours when I work. I awake around 6:30 AM walk to the kitchen by 7:15 AM and stand until after lunch. I return home and lay down for about two hours, I return at 4:30 PM prepping for the evening. I cook from opening until closing then the clean up and more prep work returning home between 11 PM and midnight. My left arm is healing thank God. That was a nightmare that I never want to relive and pray that it does come full circle. Possibly Beethoven would understand the loss of something that relates to making music. Last July I could not play a full octave with my left hand. The 3rd, 4th and 5th fingers of my left hand were numb until end of March this year......... It has been a slow and dreadful experience, but I can play my piano again. (Back to the leg)

Everyone told me I had sciatica. After weeks of pain and all kinds of advice I went to a sports medicine man in Jackson Hole. After X rays and examinations he said I have scoliosis of the lower spine. I am in therapy three times a week doing the Lordex treatment. They seem to be working. I am still in pain, but as of next week I will have inserts made for my shoes, I walk with an insert under the left heel of my foot that is to help turn the pelvic bones and align my inner frame... Two days ago I discovered a hernia on the right side of my Adonis belt! I go tomorrow for a consultation with a surgeon to see if there is a chance in hell I can avoid surgery? I swear by March 6th of 2009 I should be living in a new body!

Yesterday was a rare day. I actually felt like taking a walk into the forest behind the house of which I have written about time and time again. My sacred Rock with The EYE! I posted a photo of this rock in a blog I wrote soon after I returned from NZ this year. The forest is lovely at this time of year. Yellow aspen and the cedar and pine trees are amazing. Yes, the foliage has died, but I recall years ago a dear friend telling me that there is a certain beauty in a dying garden!

One has to crawl under the barb wire fence to enter the National Forest behind the house. In Wyoming barb wire is like cement is to big cities! I decided to take the lower trail because I have been feeling so weak and wanted to simply breathe in every scent, memorize every scene and listen to the symphony of wild life and the gentle breeze. I was walking along and suddenly stopped. Something was amis. As I looked ahead I caught sight of the destruction... a new road. Piles of crushed flora and fauna, felled trees of which I counted 72. My Rock with the EYE GONE! It had been smashed into a mountain of broken life.

Tears streamed from my eyes. All I could hear was the opening tragic theme of the Brahms first symphony! C minor is a tragic key. I dropped to my knees and pulled out my I Pod setting it to that very symphony. Thank the universe for music because that language was the only thing that could express my emotions. I thought of the poem by Edna St. Vincent Milly,
"Apostrophe to man!" "Detestable race, continue to expunge yourself, die out, Breed faster, Crowd, encroach, sing hymns, build bombing airplanes, HOMO CALLED SAPIENS!"...

I kept walking step by step up the new dirt road. It was a steep grade and the higher I went the more my leg ached. I walked through the damn pain. Midway I discovered a makeshift tree hut I had assembled years ago. O my God they had not knocked it down. I crawled inside and laid on the soft pine needles. I gazed out of the limbs and the view was celestial. Clouds racing like helium balloons across a turquoise sky. The horizon of mountains and the winding mighty Snake River calmed my soul and I felt the urge to shout for joy!

I left the hut and kept walking up the road, then I figured out where it was taking me. To the new water system that is to feed water into three new subdivisions. Alas. I turned and started the steep descent. My knees were holding up. Yes, they ached, but I was happy.

This mountain is blanketed in a quilt of wild flowers every spring and during the more part of the summer. Dried stalks of Iron weed, sand burs and other plants stood erect with hard pods full of seeds hanging from brittle stems that would release their life into the soil before snow fall.

Time will heal all things that I think are wrong with the world and the world will remain an interesting stage and setting where human life will play out drama after drama after drama, lifetime after lifetime. I gaze at the very same moon and stars that inspired Beethoven to write the Moonlight Sonata, Debussy to paint a musical painting, Clair de lune... could it all be an illusion?

I walked in the back door, dropped my pack. Put on the tea kettle and sat beside my cats. With cup and saucer in hand I climbed the stairs to my room and sat at my desk gazing at all the beautiful art work and books and keepsakes I have in this chamber. Then my eyes landed on a piece of sculpture I love, "Walking Wounded"... Again a piece of art saved the day.

Will write more later. For now I am off to dream land...

on hold

Work has been insane! I am doing my own prep work, that means, baking rolls, potatoes, making soup, chopping onions and peppers, garlic and slicing lemons, cantaloupe, it goes on and on, plus the cooking and clean up after... makes for very long hours on one's legs, however, I am doing it and not complaining. It allows me the joy of having enough time and money to do some of the things I still love doing and being a part of during the 8 months I am not living in a kitchen! Today was a slower day, so I must say, I am putting my blog on hold for a few weeks until I have more time to share wonderful things with all of my friends!

I still read my e mails every day and have my cell phone with me at all times. Enjoy the gorgeous hot summer weather!

Blessings, BJ

Sunshine has arrived

Wyoming has been blest with an abundance of sunshine and gorgeous summer weather. It seemed the last couple of weeks would never end, but everything has come right with my parents and most things at work are great.

I once read where IF when things become intolerable in one's life, if you take pen in hand and write down every single thing
you are grateful for one's entire attitude can change. I have filled a journal full of items in the past two weeks... from every
wild flower and wild animal that greets me each morning as I walk to the restaurant, right down to the fact I can breathe!

I have made some amazing transitions in the past 6 months. When I lost all the feeling in my 5th, 4th, and 3rd fingers of my Left Hand last December I did not cry, I was amazed to think such a thing could happen to me. I speak from my heart with my hands!
When I realized my knee was "going south" on me and needed surgery, I was horrified... the list goes on and on, yet, I find I am at a different place in my heart, mind and body! I have regained the feeling in the fingers of my left hand. I can play for up to a half hour every day without pain... mind, you, I am not performing the Grieg Piano Concerto, but falling in love with things I have always adored for years... the piano is till my best friend.

My knee is perfect! I go into the kitchen of my restaurant by 7:30 AM and stand for the most part of every day cooking until 2:00 PM, then relax and return to work for the evening, standing from 5:00 PM until at least 11:00 PM without pain!!!!!! Summer is a wonderful season. I am not complaining about the heat in fact I quite like being warm!
More later, love and light from the Rocky Mountains.

What The Hell?

I have not given up on writing my blogs........ There has simply been too many things going on and not enough time to write in detail about everything that has happened since opening the restaurant.

Both of my parents have been in the ICU at hospital together! Long hours in the kitchen and weather is all over the place.
SNOW YESTERDAY LIKE WINTER TIME SNOW! Over cast with heavy clouds and rain for the past week. One day summer may break through all this density.

Will compose a stunning story about everything in a few days... till then I am searching for sunshine.

The Orb!

Sorry, it must be the altitude! After I published the blog I realized I had not posted the photo with the blue orb.

Spring time in the rockies...

When I was a very little boy I heard my grandparents sing many songs and one song was a waltz that I have forever loved:
"When It's Springtime In The Rockies". I live in the heart of the Rocky Mountains. Winters are harsh, but the birthing of Spring is a spiritual event that one must see, touch, and breathe to be appreciated.

I walk into the forest behind the house every morning and meditate. Yesterday was an amazingly hot day for April 6th! 68 degrees and many new, shimmering small streams were being created by snow banks melting in the hot sunshine. I had my camera in my backpack and had to share some photos.

One is of a rock that I often sit upon and meditate as I listen to all the birds singing and small creatures of the woods scurrying around as they set up their summer homes! Deer and Elk often sleep among the cedar and pine trees. The weight of the heavy snow had caused many pine tree branches to snap and fall along the pathway. Cedar and Sagebrush as well as Oregon Grape are everywhere and under the dense grass tiny wild flowers are just beginning to bloom!

The white rock has an opening in it that resembles an eye. There is a hole in the top and the side that creates a tunnel and when rain water or ice settles inside the bottom of the tunnel sunshine causes a brilliant sparkling effect to glint from the eye shaped entrance into the rock. Thus I call it ROCK EYE or EYE ROCK!

The mountain view from the rock is similar to the mountain in the movie, " Brokeback Mountain". Therefore I call it my Brokeback Mountain.
In the one photo you may see a very small "ORB" in the center of the mountain. It is a blue orb.

Working hard and loving the Alpine air, altitude and wide open skies!

I'm comin' home...

In the 70's John Denver sang a song with such lyrics... Something to do with "tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree..."
Played that song 1,000 times in Viet Nam. 1968 - 1973. I toured the Pacific Islands, Korea, (3 times) Germany, and Europe, (3 Times) Iceland, Japan, the Mediterranean, Alaska, it goes on and on... but one thing I always knew, I would be coming home! (even without yellow ribbons!)

I love New Zealand. A part of my heart honestly belongs here, because of my DNA. My Great Grandfather served a Mormon Mission here in and around 1896 - 1900... I also, have a a very common surname, Johnston which is Scottish and is a very common name in NZ. I cannot find a more perfect place for a holiday than NZ.

NOW after 5 months I am ready to return to my Brokeback Mountain and make some money... I honestly do love Wyoming. I always have. In the 70's I drank enough vodka in Evanston and Rock Springs WY to sink a major battle ship. I used to say: "When I grow up, I will move to WY and marry a Cowboy"... Well I did not get the cowboy, but I did get WY.

No place on earth has such views of the western skies and the Tetons are breath taking. My body, soul and mind know where I belong and it is in Alpine, WY. I will fly out of Auckland NZ Monday afternoon. 11 - 12 hours in the air and I will land in LAX. Then walk to Domestic Flights Delta and fly to SLC, UT. From there I will drive to Alpine, WY.

Last year I created a recording I have tried to manifest the past 11 years... I DID IT! This year, I had a knee replacement, which I never in my wildest imagination thought possible.

I read more books than I have read in years and I did not take a hike on the wild side. I did achieve some very sacred and spiritual events. I had a 4 1/2 hour life regression session! I discovered new ways to make my body well... I discovered so many mental and physical truths on a level that is difficult for me to write about. I reached for the sky and I touched it with my own two hands.

I will write one more blog before leaving my studio in Queenstown. I also had one of many blessings... after 13 years My Diviana and Zen Man came to see me in QT. UN-FUNKING-BE-LIEV-ABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could write a book about it. Four of my favorite Goddess's saved my life! Divi, Debbie, Belva, and Shirley. If I ever get the four of them together God only knows what could happen to life as we know it.

I am off to bed. Big day tomorrow. Tie and yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree 'cause I'll be seeing you!

Moon River...

The moon! That tiny satellite that keeps the planet's tides flowing... it's magnetic pull helps keep the space ship we live on in a balanced state of spinning faster than the eye can see.

We all appear slightly different in various shades of light. Candle light, sun light, stage lighting, infra red light, and yes moon light, even starlight!

Hundreds of years ago certain rituals and ceremonies were performed during the light of the full moon. One event was that of the American Native Indians, who planted crops during the full moon and the seeds were planted by woman that were in full cycle of their periods... they also planted crops by placing bits of fish guts and small fish in the ground to serve as fertilizer and nourishment to the seed. We are at least 90% water, fish are created and live in water... eggs, which are really seeds that live within a saline solution of blood deep within a woman's body...

Tonight the moon it 90% FULL. That means it is kind of like my body being 90% of water... Last night I awoke after having been sound asleep for two hours. I got out of the bed, put on my bath robe and walked up the stairs that lead into the kitchen. We have a window at the top of the stair well that looks directly into the sky! The moon was shimmering as if it were vibrating!
I unlocked the kitchen door and stepped out onto the patio. Every blade of grass was being kissed by moonlight!

Without warning the words to a song I playing in High School began singing within my skull... Moon River! It was the theme song for my Jr. Prom when I was in High School. I did not have a date or want one at the time, but I did attend the prom as I was to perform this very piece at intermission.

Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Where ever you're go-in' , I'm going your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, wait-in' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me...

I've watched moon light on rivers all over the world and on oceans, lakes and I always love the way moonlight dances on rows of water running through corn fields when I would irrigate late night into the early morning hours... (were talking years ago!)

Moon River the rainbow has been wait-in' 'round the bend more times than naught in my lifetime. Thank you.

April 2008 NZSO CONCERT

The New Zealand Symphony Orchestra resides within a very sacred part of my musical heart, mind and spirit. Last night was no exception! A new conductor! I was looking forward to the conductor from last year however, this young man is from Finland, and more than proved his worth as a conductor. Name, Pietari Inkinen. His hair is beautiful and his body and face are very easy on the eyes!

The symphony made use of every acoustical niche and cranny within the walls of the great Town Hall in the city of Dunedin.

Starting with Douglas Liburn's Aotearoa Overture. Simply used every instrument within the world of symphony! Gorgeous. This piece was composed in 1940 while Liburn was a student in London. It's first performance was in 1940. The NZSO's file records that Aotearoa was first performed by the NZSO under G. Warrack in 1953.

The guest artist for last night's concert was a Cellist, Natalie Clein. One of Britain's leading cellists. This young woman took the Elgar Cello Concerto in E minor Op. 85 to an entire different level. I have heard Julian Lloyd webber perform this piece with such elegance and heart wrenching agony, however, Natalie approached the piece with a delicate and very feminine energy. I cried!

Intermission was a much needed break.

The Crowning Jewel of the evening was the Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 5 in E minor Op. 64. ONE OF MY FAVORITE SYMPHONIES. At intermission everyone was handed a roll of confetti and ribbons to toss from the balcony seats into the orchestra and on the patrons below. The passion and fervour and orchestral colours of this symphony were beyond brilliant. The opening clarinet theme is a haunting memory. I learned the melody to the second movement when I was about 8 years old which was arranged for a very simple piano piece, from that time forth I have always loved it.

In notes found shortly after Tchaikovsky's death, he referred to the brief programme he had roughed out for the 5Th Symphony: "Introduction. Complete resignation before FATE, or, which is SAME, before the INSCRUTABLE predestination of PROVIDENCE. Allegro, Murmurs, doubts, plaints, reproaches against xxx Shall I throw myself in the embraces of faith???"

The entire hall was on it's feet and pounding the floor boards at the conclusion of this magnificent piece of art. (FULL HOUSE BTW!)

The NZSO was founded the year of my birth, 1946. On August 21, 1946 with Andersen Tyrer conducting they performed this very symphony! I have copies of very old photographs that were taken in the early 50's of Percy Grainger with the NZSO!

To say the least it was a night of magical vibrations and deep emotions. I am a blessed man beyond my wildest dreams! Music has no time frames. It is the past, present and future and most of all it is what we are. It is the universe. The invisible made visible and felt in every atom of the emotional fabric.

Keep the good vibes flowing.

A first in four months...

Yesterday I walked into St. Peter's Anglican Church. It is a lovely small chapel with stained glass windows and a wonderful very old pipe organ. Years ago, I played two concerts to help raise money to restore the old organ. In the early 90's an elderly, very wealthy member of the church donated money for a brand new Yamaha baby grand piano to be a gift for the church. Some members were distressed as they felt the money for the piano should have been used for missionary purposes and to care for the needy.
Well, that piano has been a blessing for that church.

I have not played on a acoustic piano in a little more than 4 months! I have a fine electric keyboard here in my studio, but yesterday was a splendid autumn day. The light that filtered through the stain glass drew me to the place it settled upon, the black lacquered finish of the piano! I dropped my back pack, and seated myself before the alter of black and white keys... My hands went straight for the position of the Prelude in C Major by J.S. Bach!

I had forgotten how delicate this piano was! How light and yet silvery it's sweet voice. It never had a rich bass and at times I dreaded performing certain compositions on it. My heart took me to familiar pieces such as Clair de lune, Fur Elise... I simply opened to the music and allowed IT to play through me.

I know that the piano is not really a solid mass but made up of many atoms with space between each cell and I often wonder if, just IF that piano remembers me? Does it remember my hands, my weight and emotions when I performed on it years ago? The thrill of vibration and the sense of touch was a pure moment of ecstasy. I suddenly became sentimental for so many other pianos I have played and loved to make music with!

I have always envied acoustic guitar players. The gorgeous feeling of cradling the sensuous shape of the guitar upon your thighs and then the feeling of harmonic vibrations echoing through your mind, body and space! made possible by your own two hands. To feel the wood pulsating against your chest, against your heart!

I must go back to that church and play the baby grand one more time before I leave NZ. I'll play I'll Be Seeing YOU!

I am walking into town and up and down slopes!

This photo was taken on day three in hospital. The drips had been removed from my hand, the catheter taken out of my secret parts and the ice machine taken off my knee! A beautiful lunch. Tuna nestled on a bed of fresh greens with boiled potatoes and hard boiled eggs. Whole grain bread and yogurt. Right after the picture was taken I felt like hell! I could not eat my lunch. Strange. Not strange?

When I was in hospital a dear friend gave me a wooden plaque cut in the shape of a heart. It is painted in hues of blue and lavender with an arabesque of pansies framing these words: "THIS IS THE LUXURY OF MUSIC: IT LOOSENS ALL THE HIDDEN
SPRINGS OF SORROW AND OF JOY! I LOVE IT FOR WHAT IT MAKES ME FORGET AND WHAT IT MAKES ME REMEMBER..."

I'll be seeing you...

The Knee replacement

I did not come to New Zealand this year flirting with any thoughts about having my left knee replaced! If anything, I was determined to do more walking, read more books and with physical therapy I would cure the problem.

I am a devout believer that we all have guardian angels that direct us down paths we consciously would never dream of setting foot upon, be it energy from people we have loved that have crossed over to other dimensions or some force from the universe that we are invisibly connected to in such a way that it guides and speaks to us in ways we are not always aware of.

I had the consultation with the surgeon/specialist about three weeks ago. He could only perform the knee replacement on March 20th. This was a concern because of my flight back to the states being on April 28th. That was under the allotted time frame of a 6 week space before one should fly on a jet airplane for up to 12 hours non stop!

I received a call from Mercy Hospital saying they could slot me in for surgery on March 6th! Not a problem except that I had a very bad bladder infection! Not much time to clear the mess up. I drank gallons of cranberry juice, took antibiotics and barely passed the test!

I have never had a major operation. I was scared shit-less. I have a circle of amazing friends that I am in contact with at least two or three times a week via the Internet. They are all women that are blest with the power of healing. One friend sent me a long over due letter that chastised my negative thinking and lack of love for my self! Another said do not do this until I had taken certain steps in diet, and herbal supplements, another said do it and move on... they all were concerned and only had love and concern for my situation. I nearly pulled out the last minute! Fear of literally not being able to walk if a mistake was made or not coming out of the anesthesia.

Entered the hospital at 11:30 AM Thursday March 6th. Said goodbye to Michael and walked into the room for pre operation procedures. I had met my Anesthesiologist the night before. After taking my clothes off and donning the hospital gown, I laid on the gurney that I figured would become the alter for my blood sacrifice! The nurse gave me a pill. I looked around and joked with the various nurses, then the shot in the arm... I awoke around 5:30 PM hearing my name being gently spoken and seeing my Anesthetist at the foot of the bed. He smiled and said "It went perfect!" Suddenly the platform was spun around and It felt like I was on a jet boat flying through doors, into an elevator and into a room where my extended family had been waiting for hours.

I had a spinal along with the anesthesia. My body was numb, dead from the waist down. Could not move my feet. My left leg was wound in gauze and an ice machine was keeping it cold because of swelling. I had oxygen tubes in my nose, a drip in the top of my left hand and a catheter in my penis. I was itching like hell. I am sure I slurred every word that came out of my mouth... but I was not in pain. However, I could not sleep. Two amazing nurses came in to take my blood pressure, oxygen levels and would roll me onto my side and massage my back and feet. I did not have a pump for pain. I did not want all the drugs, so we went with panidol and Oxycontin... for the first two days and nights. I sat in bed the next morning and brushed my teeth, a nurse bathed me and once again massaged my feet and back. I was able to flex my ankles. GOOD SIGN.

Second night they gave me a tablet to help me fall asleep. It did help. The pain started around 4 AM. I mean unexplainable pain.
I got through it but by the third day I thought I had possibly done the worst if not the absolute most horrible thing I could have done to my body. I could not get comfortable. I could not stand the pain. I kept doing the various exercises they had me do while laying in bed. My mind kept going in and out of places I have been and places I have never been... People that I have not seen or thought of in years flashed in and out of my visual cortex! The nurses were unbelievable. They came in every half hour. My surgeon and Anesthesiologist visited me every morning and night!

The nurse that removed my catheter was truly an angel. I will never be able to put into words what it felt like. The balloon released from the bladder, but the whole thing became stuck at the head of my joy stick!!! She could not get it out! I was a good boy. I breathed as deep as possible and tears flew out of my eyes. Blood had dried around the opening of the urethra. This amazing nurse told me to "pedal like mad with my left foot and make a fist" I did and out it came! Blood and urine also came rushing out. Next the drips were taken out, but the needle in my hand had to remain in case I needed a blood transfusion or morphine drip... Finally the nurse removed the ice machine... then the cutting away of the bandages.

Layers of beige gauze, then a white fluffy fabric was around the knee. She removed that and there was my wound. A plastic bandage over the incision. Knee was not badly swollen. She helped me up and into the shower! I was exhausted.
I would lay and read, then concentrate on sending all the healing medicines and vibrations possible into that knee. I had created a play list on my I pod titled, "Brent's healing music". Clair de lune, Reverie, Meditation from Thais the list goes on and some Jon Serrie creations that I believe with all my heart helped heal me as much as the medication.

Everyone kept raving on about how well things were coming. I was up and walking the halls and stairs the fourth day. I finally asked to only walk with the one crutch. then I tried no crutches... I was of course weak and became extremely tired after a walk. I'd lay down and rest, then get up again and do the walk about the hall way. By the fifth night I was ready to come home.

It was a long ride in the car back to Queenstown. Four hours. I sat in the passenger seat, then laid in the back seat but I did it. I walked up the flight of stairs onto the landing where my studio and the ground level of the house is situated. Greeted with much love and joy! Everyday has been a STEP toward more walking and I have a straight leg! If all goes well I can fly home without worries of blood clots and I am only taking Panidol for pain. I am going to rid my body of as many prescription drugs of which I have taken for years...

The hospital I was in is a Private Hospital. The care was like nothing I have ever witnessed in the USA! The staff were indescribable. Part of the reason for such an amazing recovery: I had good muscles and tendons in my legs. The years of walking, hiking and working out in the gym honestly PAID OFF in ways I never dreamed possible!!!

I have not used my crutches since I have been home. I cancelled the raised toilet seat thing, the grabber tool, all the physical things I was told to use IF I needed them! I walk. NOT on inclines and down slopes, but on flat surfaces and can now walk quite well up the stairs without putting both feet on one step at a time. "the GOOD FOOT FIRST when going up stairs and the BAD FOOT first when going down stairs". I am eating and cooking our dinners. I spend a lot of time resting and loving the views. Yesterday I sat in the Autumn sun light for 15 minutes stark naked! Soaking in the healing rays of the sun and the beautiful clean air. New Zealand was the place I was to have this operation performed.

I believe in the power of numbers! The number 8 is a very important number in my life. The year 2008 is the year for much healing and putting many things of my past aside and stepping into a new light!

I will be chasing rainbows very very soon and most of all I'll be seeing you!

Man & a Blue Piano...

My most talented sister, Teresa painted this for me! I love Marc Chagall's work. She recreated a sense of his "style" in this piece of art.

In the package was a letter she had written with a photo of Chagall she had copied from the Internet, showing him working in his New York Studio, 1942.

"Color is ALL. When color is right, form is right. Color is everything, color is vibration like music; everything is vibration."
...Marc Chagall...

"Only love interests me, and I'm only in contact with things I love!" ...Marc Chagall...

Waking up to something you love!

Yesterday was a magical day. I met my surgeon for the knee replacement. He is the chosen one my higher self wants to perform the operation.

When he came into the lobby of the hospital to take me into his office for consultation he casually asked, "So how is Rachmaninoff?" I was thrown completely off the tracks! I said, "I'm sorry but I don't understand?" He said, "You are a pianist?" I laughed, then said, "yes, I have sometimes "imagined" I was..." This man does his research! I have performed in New Zealand from the Great Hall in Christchurch to Queenstown New Zealand where I performed my last concert! From that moment I knew I was in the hands of an angelic surgeon and I hope to take a photo of his hands! They are beautiful! This dream Only Gets Better!

He said the earliest he could perform the surgery would be March 20th... Well, a person is not supposed to fly for approximately 12 hours for at least 6 weeks after surgery. Fear of blood clots, especially in people over 55 years of age! YUCK! I fly out of New Zealand every year on April 28th.

The hospital called today and I will have the surgery on March 6th! in a private hospital, in Dunedin. Mercy Hospital (a hell of a lot is going on, on another level of quantum thinking here... I understand it, but am not going to explain it at this time...) What a blessing!

When I returned home from Dunedin last night there was a long tube containing a print I had ordered in December of 2007. The package was leaning against the door of my studio!

I wanted this print to hang in the bedroom so that every morning when I woke up I would gaze on someplace that I absolutely love... Monet's painting: "Sunset over Venice". Almost three months later here it is via Snail Mail! I immediately pinned it up. I love Italy, because Bartholomew Christophrie invented the piano! Michael Angelo, Italy is a very important part of our history...

This morning I awoke to this print straight ahead of me... Gazing back at me from the wall !!!!!!!!! I cried.

Tonight is a full moon... Exciting times... Good times... I'll be seeing you soon...

Sweet blessings...

Today my sister sent me a copy of a painting she has created for me.
(I did not have the slightest idea she was creating a painting for me!) The painting is called "Man and a Blue Piano"

... Amazingly enough, this relates to many things. I will post a picture of the painting later, but it has a full moon, mountains, a blue grand piano and a man with blonde hair sitting on a red chair playing a piano. A bouquet of flowers... Steinway and Sons created a BLUE GRAND STEINWAY PIANO in memory of Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue or his Birthday or something he did??What a sweet blessing on my heart, body and mind! Also a special friend of mine published a book she wrote called, THE BLUE PIANO AND OTHER STORIES...

Yesterday my NZ neighbor, who is a fantastic talent here in NZ as well as internationally, such a artist, brings over a HUGE TROUT. Fresh, he had caught it, cleaned it and gave it to us. I am the only one in the family that eats fish! I baked it in some olive oil, herbs and white wine... Well, it is simply gorgeous. I am eating it as I type this blog. It is so moist and such an exciting taste. Fresh, NOT FROZEN, FRESH TROUT when steamed or poached can almost taste like sex! Sorry for that information, but true. (Kind of like mushrooms for some people reminds them of ___!

Went into a strange museum in Clyde today. Old photos, old copies of music under glass, wedding dresses and type writers from the 1800's!!! Such amazing things that signaled a chemical in my brain and that chemical sent a signal to my emotions that sang a song about how I have been here before! I understand all this... I could not leave the old photos of the rugby teams... I kept seeing a face I KNOW! God it was like the movie "Somewhere In Time"...

I also received a wonderful long letter written in very tiny hand printed script from a soul mate and friend. She had made the card on pink paper with a picture of a dining room filled with flowers and table settings on a pink table cloth... She wrote about a walk we had taken out to Farewell Spit a few years back... I have a scrap book of the entire hike through the Golden Bay! She is one of my soul sisters and such a pure hearted woman. She takes the scent of every rose and breathes it into her very blood. She sees a sunset and it becomes her. She is a Goddess...

The Universe gave me a wonderful book to read at the moment. A novel by Kate Mosse, SEPULCHER. Full of stuff I love and most of all DEBBUSY!!! Life is not so bad after all. All I ever need to do is: Relax and breathe in the moment and I am forever amazed at the blessings I have.

The moon should be about 75% full tonight. At about midnight I may have to pour a half glass of Pinot and fill the rest of the glass with moonlight! Starlight is so magical when it enters a cup of moonlight and ruby Pinot Noir...

I'll Be Seeing You...

Open door with a sunset.

This afternoon round 6:30 PM was absolutely gorgeous. I had just cut lavender and roses for my studio and the door was wide open for anyone to enter... Such a beautiful sky. The beginning of a new moon...
A cup of moonlight would be divine...

decision

I had to share a photo I just took of my fresh Lavender. It grows like magic bean stocks in the garden. It is a wonderful cleansing agent and antibiotic. I cut fresh Lavender every other day and fill my space with it's tall and powerful arms.

Did not sleep last night. Tossed, turned, sat up, got up, went back to bed... finally felt like I was trying to catch a fish in the net of the wind... Somewhere between starlight and first light of morning I finally fell into a fitful slumber. I awoke at 7:30 AM. Made myself a potato and onion omlette with feta cheese and rye bread washed down with strong coffee.

I drove out to Anna's for my 10:00 AM reflexology appointment. I love my sessions with Anna.

About half way through my hour of relaxation and massage, I suddenly had a "flash decision"...

This week I will set the appointment for X-rays on my trashed elbow and dilapidated knee joint. I take these X-rays to the surgeon that worked on a dear friend of mine here in Arrowtown. He will then decide IF it is Arthritis or can be operated on.
I am sick and tired of being mean and hateful because I am in pain and discomfort most of time. I am angry because I hurt and cannot seem to heal myself. Well, DAAAHHHH it is front of my brain at around 10:30 AM... Simply get the damn thing fixed.

We are driving to Invercargill in the morning for a day and a night. Invercargill is where I recorded my OPEN HEART recording.
I love the place. The southern most city on planet earth... SO I AM TOLD.

Tonight I will sleep. I have made up my mind to get this thing repaired and put it behind me. Such a beautiful conclusion. BUT, it was one only myself could make for myself. I kept hoping I could hold off until I turned 65 and could use some that tax money I have dumped into Medicare over the past years... I would rather have it operated on down here than in the states.

I'll Be Seeing you... in all the old familiar places, that this heart of mine embraces all day through... in that small cafe, the park across the way, the children's carosel, the chestnut tree the wishing well....

I love that song. Only thing was I hated the way Liberace sang it! Sorry~ John Geary sings it like an angel.

A new flower...

I arrived home from a full day in the village to find a beautiful flower on my door step. A friend purchased a new splash of color for the entrance to my studio and the house! Like a smile from the universe! Color, (an incredible vibration of a celestial order) and living green leaves (mother earth's real colors, also the heart chakra.) Light... the speed of many things...

I had to take a photograph of the living blossom to share with all my friends that are frozen in the north lands!

Today was a much better day! Did the gym thing. Had a wonderful lunch at the Casino. A pasta made with fresh mushrooms and pastrami with herbs. I can make this but it seems to taste so divine when a young man from New Caladonia, (French) makes it and buys you a glass of wine! My ego flew all over the place! (Karmic justice: I was nice to older people when I was very very very young! Pay back time!!!)

Took my Swiss Army wrist watch in for a new battery. I purchased this watch years ago at the Jackson Lake Lodge in the Tetons. Well, the lady at this particular jewlery store I took it to said it had to be checked for it's water proofing and she felt it was a tresure of a watch as they do not make these anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD! NO! I told her the watch was like me! They don't make "ME" anymore... that is not true. So next Friday I will have my watch back.

Made a crappy dinner of bread, dips and cold cuts with fresh veggies... Just could not get into the cook thing tonight! Probably the pasta. I was FULL to the BRIM with delicious food that I love! (and the Chef from Casino was not here! Haaaa!)

Tomorrow is Sunday. That transelates into a trip into the wine country. Lunch at some wonderful winery and a stop for coffee later, or at least a stop at the BP for petro and the Sunday papers.

Enjoy the flowers. I am!

A much happier man!

Interesting sky this evening. I am forever amazed at what the camera picks up as compared to my vision. Today was a wonderful day. Gym. Hard work out... Lunch at "Halo" a cafe I adore and then grocery shopping at the Organic Grocery Store. What more could I ask for! (I know money and perfect what ever!!!)

Angels surround us and forever watch over us!
Talk tomorrow.

Angry for being ANGRY!

Is there such a thing as being angry at yourself for being angry???

I know some of the underlying reasons for why I lashed out, opened my mouth and let it explode with a poison that is rattlesnake death when I sting with words they are like bullets from a nuclear weapon.

All of my life I have enjoyed amazing health and I have taken steps to insure that I would not have to suffer many of the problems most people engage after the age of 55. My body refuses to heal the way it used to! I do not need to go into details but I have had one hell of a time making friends with Mr. Arthur Ritis... The arthritis is not helping the healing process with my elbow. I will have it and my knee examined before I leave NZ.

I have had a most interesting 6 months of INVENTING and IMAGINING NEW WAYS OF SURVIVING IN AN OLD SPACE SUIT! I have given up many thing that were a major part of my everyday life from exercise to playing piano. Meaning: I still go to the gym but I have invented a totally new routine... I still play piano, but in a different manner. I walk slower but with more meaning. I still pray but with less begging! I like to think that my God is bigger than two books called the Old & the New Testaments! I have learned that ORGANIZED RELIGION is for those that do not want to go to hell. SPIRITUALITY is for those who have been to hell and don't want to ever go back!

I made a list of my LIKES and my DIS-LIKES.

LIKES:

Sunsets, moonlight, most music except RAP. Pianos, Very aged cheese. Fine wines. Fresh home made breads, Movies, Gyms. If it has weight I'll lift it! Muscles that are developed from dedication and hard work. Like: Dancer's bodies, swimmers, shoulders, vintage body builders.
I love cats and most pets. Quartz crystals, very good organic coffee, the scent of earth, rain water and herb gardens in the moonlight.
Very old used book stores. ANYTHING APPLE, Macintosh. Massages, Yellow roses and sweet peas. Pansies and tulips. Kindness and forgiveness. Metaphysics, candle light, travel, the three musical "B's" and Debussy.
Keith Olbermann and Albert Einstein. Oh! I like the natural odor or the human body. NICE odor not the rotten smells of filth or smells that are artificial. I do like organic, natural foods.

DIS-LIKES:

Bigoted, small minds. DOGMAS. Junk mail, CONFRONTATIONS with dick heads.
Almost all perfumes. Tattoos, Loud noise, Men that shave their body hair? WHY?
Ann Coulter. Bullies, GW Bush, Dick Cheney,
Television, people that abuse: ANY KIND OF ANIMAL! their partners and abuse innocent children.
I hate Authority figures.
Hand and bath soap that are shaped into balls?
Insane consumerism and being used as cannon fodder for my country or a religion!

This blog site is fastly becoming my therapist for all things~

The sun has set on my depression...

I am feeling somewhat better about my "killer mouth"...

I am my own worst enemy and thought that I had slaughtered that demon years ago. Well, guess what the bastard shoved his hairy head right up my ass and out of my mouth and I have suffered.

I will ONLY and I HOPE WITH ALL MY HEART

ONLY TALK ABOUT MY INNER FEELINGS ON THIS BLOG SITE!

Safer and it keeps life moving at an "andante to poco allegro" vibration. I have had my brain smashed up against a very serious lesson in A Course In Miracles... "You are never angry for the reasons you think!" I am still trying to figure it all out.

This sunset was my kiss from the universe this evening. I'll be seeing you soon...

The most honest words I will ever write...

Last night I had a screaming argument with the last person on earth I would ever want to argue with... My partner. We were having a dinner party and he starts in about the "blacks" one more time... explaining how the Irish were the white trash of the world and they came to America and made something of their lives where as the Blacks never quite got beyond... blah blah blah... I nearly died. I explained or tried to explain that IRISH even JEWS were WHITE! Blacks have been cursed since the beginning of the Hebrew Old Testament. Cain & Able!!!!!!!!!!!!! It got worse. It became so ugly there were tears shed... NOT MINE! I have known and loved some amazing BLACK HUMAN BEINGS! My partner has never even carried on a conversation with one.......... but OMFG he sounded like a Red Republican Bigoted Idiot!

Finally today I opened my journal and began writing...

about who and what I am: I AM NOT A NICE GUY! I am not a SMART or any kind of INTELLECTUAL MAN! I have NO education. I slipped through High School with a D+ average. I am far from handsome... I do not have an 8 or 10 inch penis. (well? depends on...) I cannot memorize things or speak or pronounce words correctly. I am a total failure with money. I'd have NOTHING money-wise if it were not for other people's kindness and efforts. I honestly am too stupid to know how to invest, save or make money out of money! I live off other people's efforts. I am ZERO!

I am a LIE! I am what makes this world the hell hole it is! Sometimes I believe I am the energy that makes life evil the only sad thing is: I HAVE NEVER ADMITTED TO THE FACT I AM A FARCE!

I play my music, I read my poetry, I try to cure myself from all kinds of ailments with drugs and natural supplements. I read philosophy, drink water out of blue glass bottles with quartz crystals in the bottles! I light candles at night, I burn incense, I smile at people and pretend I have made them happy?

I have pulled one hell of a lot of things off because: I learned at a very young age to surround myself with people that were talented, intelligent and had class. I have made myself to look acceptable in the eyes of some people because of the people I associate with. Well, some of those people will NEVER be IMPORTANT in my life again...

The ceiling and walls of my phony Sacred Cathedral crumbled into dust today! GONE! The old man does not care anymore!
The old man is sick and tired of being propped up by other people. The old man wants his void... his zero point of existence.

It is raining as I write. The rain is full of ghosts tonight that tap and sigh against the glass and listen for reply...

Hold on 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride... Things are heating up in my brains and when that happens it means drastic changes... Don't panic those of you that think you know me, I am NOT running away or into an abyss of destruction and eternal hell, I am simply stating facts. I have lived a huge lie for 61 years! I see a tiny light somewhere that will claim me.

I'll be seeing you...

camera delima!

l have taken some amazing photos in the past 4 weeks, but I lost my Kodak easy share program in the computer and I am a lazy shit that will not take the time...(I will eventually) and restore the program... So I have all these photos that are breathtakingly gorgeous but you can't see them because I have to get into a very time consuming effort and re-install the old program...

Today was one of those wonderful summer days you simply can't let go of. Hot, sunshine, green grass folding over and over into the breath of the wind and clouds so magnificent they could pass for heaven! The air was full of earth, roses, lavender and rosemary... hints of pine and lost sheep on the mountain as they paced back and forth eating green life and searching for the nearest shade tree!

Tomorrow is a new week. Last night 'round 3:30 AM I awoke, put on my ancient bath robe and went outside.

The moon was 90% full and Clair de lune was permeating every living thing, sleeping or fully awake!

I removed my robe, laying it on the ground, then laid my white body on the robe and indulged in a moon bath! Divine grace. I actually did a hell of a lot of deep cleaning in the brain area.

Moon light is just as important as Sun shine. I know Sunshine has vitamin D but maybe, just maybe, moonlight has vitamin "D"-ream and vitamin "P"-eace of mind within its vibrations... All I do know is: I talked to my cats back in WY. I visited with some friends that are no longer with me and I sent three big packages of love to three friends that are alive and well. I did send some love to family and most of all I remembered to love myself!

(These are the moments you wish to hell you had saved that certain "bud of paradise" and were able to inhale it as the moon kissed your more sensitive parts!)

Life is very balanced for me at the moment!

I'll be seeing you... BJ

A great talent has left this dimension!!!

Heath Ledger was found dead this morning in his apartment in Brooklyn NY. I admired this man beyond words.

His role in Broke Back Mountain was amazing and I love that movie because I LIVED THAT MOVIE in the 1960's! Heath fit the part of Ennis perfectly.
Heath was born in Perth the land of OZ. (Australia) He was 28 years old. I nearly fainted when I saw his age. I attempted suicide when I was 28. FAILED! Kind of like so many other things I tried when I was 28!

His role in Brokeback represented endless problems in the 60's relating to love, and relationships.

In 1965 I was in Los Angeles when the Watts riots broke out. You had to have been there to believe the hate, anger, whites against blacks... Another problem in the 60's Blacks, (racial) were not allowed to marry whites. It was done but never approved of. Viet Nam was a nightmare from the depths of hell and the list goes on... BUT, some fantastic music was created out of the 60's and 70's and many changes. From LSD drugs to the LDS Church!

I honestly try to forgive so much of life's insanity, but there are times I really have to shake my head in amazement that I am still here!

I'm gonna keep my friends above all else!

A friend sent me an e mail with a simple test. I am a happy sucker for these games!

You are alone in a desert. Burning up with heat and no water in sight. You have five animals. You must rid yourself of the animals one by one as you journey on through the desert.

The first animal I removed was the monkey.
Next was the Lion, then a Horse, Cow and finally I would leave the desert with a sheep. The order that you removed the animals was and very important part of the test.

Monkey was my first choice. It represents my children! (well, that was not hard, get rid of one major problem in your life!)

I chose the Lion as my second choice. The lion's meaning was my PRIDE.

I then removed the Horse. Horses represent one's Passion!

Finally I removed the Cow. The cow translates into One's BASIC NEEDS!

I leave the desert with the sheep! The sheep means: FRIENDSHIP! So when things get tough, I get rid of the kids, then swallow my pride, drop my "passion" like a bolt of lightening and discard of my basic needs very easily, but KEEP THE FRIENDSHIPS.

When I was in my early teens a very dear piano teacher told me time and time again that when I came to the end of my life friendships would be more precious than anything else I had worked for during the course of my entire life!

I think he was trying to tell me was the fact friendships remain after many love affairs burn out, family difficulties can separate siblings, parents cousins for years and even lifetimes!

I've had many friends that were an intense part of my life's journey during my 20's and 30s. Most of them have 'crossed over'... walked out of their bodies and stepped into the void, but their voices, their touch, laughter and certain glances are indelibly etched into the neurons of my brain...

Friends I have not laid my eyes upon for over 30 years keep in touch with me still to this day and even though we do not visit we e mail every few days and maintain a golden coil of love and light between us that years ago would not be possible except for snail mail and telephone calls... (It would be very difficult for me to hand over my I Pod and Mac in the desert!)

I do not have hundreds of friends. Most of my friends could be counted on both hands... 10 maybe more. Most of that 10 do not live with me or live within driving distance of where I live! They know who they are. I will admit that practically all my friendships were birthed because of music and my love of metaphysics.

Okay, I am taking my sheep and we're walking out of here!
Oh, "I'll Be Seein' You"...

Olive Oil & Wine

The past 5 years I have cooked exclusively with olive oil. Extra Virgin OR Light Virgin? The very green organic olive oil that costs plenty but the fruity flavor is thrilling I find it to be the best! Go to a organic food store.

About 5 years ago a bad mistake was made in diagnosing a cholesterol test I had taken 2002 or 2003. My cholesterol was over 300... What ever in hell that meant? I was put on Lipitor. It nearly killed me! Every joint and muscle in my body was in pain. I honestly believe it brought on a vengeance of arthritis beyond words!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Found out, my cholesterol was fine. Wrong person got the wrong numbers! Yikes! In the mean time, I went on a massive journey to discover what cholesterol really was and how to control it from giving me a major heart attack. One of the keys was Olive Oil and red wine. Since then, olive oil is one of my best friends.

An Olive Tree takes 30 years to mature but can live up to a 1,000 years!
A big freeze in France in 1956 devastated nearly 300,000 olive trees. Today France only has 70,000 olive trees! Olive oil can be used in so many ways... Cooking, skin care, base for enhancing so many herbs and foods...

Wine was being used as an antiseptic before 3000 B.C. in Egypt. Wine was also used in the same way in China. Chinese legends speak of wine making in the same period used for medicinal and celebration purposes. Most always two sets of wine were made by kings. Funeral and Domestic wines.

Wines Contain vitamins A, B & C as well as 13 minerals essential to human life... and too much wine can ruin your life! Been there. However, cooking with wine and olive oil can be a magic potion that can bring food alive as well as the person eating it.

Ever since the fiasco with the cholesterol I have drank pino noir or any red wine every day and plenty of olive oil... according to the last test c. was perfect.

I found that IF I cannot sleep, making a cup of mulled wine will put me into dream land very fast. Use cheap red wine!

(your going to be heating the wine so do not use an expensive wonderful wine that was created for room temperature and a gorgeous glass with space for the wine to breathe...)

add a tablespoon of raw or brown sugar, and half a teaspoon of cinnamon. Cinnamon is fantastic for circulation! DO NOT BOIL THE BREW! I put it in the microwave for 1 minute on high, sometimes 30 seconds more. Delicious and so good for you!

Sweet dreams.

Finished the book...

My time in New Zealand is never wasted. I attempt to read books that have wanted to read all year and that I find of interest.

I loved Ken Follet's novel, "Pillars of The Earth". Well, after all these years he has written the sequel to that book. "World Without End." The book is written the way novels used to be written: many, many pages! 1,014 pages are in the hard cover edition. There is not a paper back edition as of yet! I loved the book. (Lots of sex, religion, government, murder and love!)

I have M. reading "Atlas Shrugged". I have read that novel three times since 1980! I am now reading a wonderful book:
"The Time Of Our Singing" by Richard Powers. He composed a book that sent me over the moon years ago called:
The Goldbug Variations" about computers, music and emotions that touch many cosmic levels! This man knows music. I must contact him one day.

Years ago, I always contacted people that composed books I loved.
I have made some amazing friends through my reading of what I call "there is a reason for every thing books"...

Because of a book I read years ago: "The Anatomy of A New York Recital", I wanted to perform a recital in NYC.

Because of book called "With Your Own Two Hands", I found a teacher that guided me toward that dream... I am now very dear friends with these people and people they have introduced into my life of music and art! Because I contacted them I have received beautiful blessings upon my life!

One day I swear I will find a "ghost writer" that will help me write the book of my life! It will be HOT STUFF BABY! I mean really
a melt down for a lot of philosophies and dogmas that I proved to be totally BS! Whoopee! That was a strong statement.

Shall keep reading. Everyone should... oh and I'll be seeing you!

CORRECTIONS!

Not REGION, I MEANT RELIGION!!!

Cooking as a sole region...

I love to cook. Always have and hope to always be able to prepare delicious comforting food until my time comes to cross
over into another dimension...

The past 2 weeks I have been cooking for 5 people instead of the 4 of us because our dear friend Beverly is living in her apartment next to our house until the first part of February. She donates her share to the grocery and wine bills. Every evening
'round 7:30 PM she walks over and as she enters our front door makes a firm proclamation in a beautiful British accent:
"GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!!!" (hell, I wonder which queen she is asking the almighty to save? Lizzy or me the chef???)

In the two weeks she has been dining with us I have managed to never repeat the same meal twice.

I cook in the kitchen and
prepare the table the way I desire while family and Beverly sit in the lounge and enjoy some TV with wine or tea. When I have plated the plates or spread out the food buffet style I say: "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!!!) and they come into the dinning room. Such a
wonderful ritual before the sun sets and everyone settles in for the night. After dinner conversation usually reaches to unexplainable solutions to the worlds problems or sharing fond memories of years past.

I love French Country Style Cooking as well as Italian. One man that I admire most sincerely is a French actor and director Christophe Malavoy. A few years ago he made a profound statement about cooking and dining with his family.

"We discovered the pleasures of fine dining years ago when dining at a fine restaurant.

Time seemed to come to a standstill. All our senses were awakened.

We were aware of nothing but the pleasures on the table and in our eyes. It was sort of a MASS in the land of FOIE GRAS!

Since then, cooking has become my sole religion. I believe that gathering around the table can have a spiritual dimension...
Time seems to stop and we float between heaven and earth in sheer delight!"

I find that cooking could be a religion. One does have to exercise a certain amount of "FAITH" when cooking and if you have chosen your ingredients with love and touch them lovingly miracles can happen!

We are having a curry and tarragon chicken this evening with garden greens and home made bread and fresh butter. Wish you were here, but, as another of my hero's used to say: I'll be seeing you!



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