The most honest words I will ever write...

Last night I had a screaming argument with the last person on earth I would ever want to argue with... My partner. We were having a dinner party and he starts in about the "blacks" one more time... explaining how the Irish were the white trash of the world and they came to America and made something of their lives where as the Blacks never quite got beyond... blah blah blah... I nearly died. I explained or tried to explain that IRISH even JEWS were WHITE! Blacks have been cursed since the beginning of the Hebrew Old Testament. Cain & Able!!!!!!!!!!!!! It got worse. It became so ugly there were tears shed... NOT MINE! I have known and loved some amazing BLACK HUMAN BEINGS! My partner has never even carried on a conversation with one.......... but OMFG he sounded like a Red Republican Bigoted Idiot!

Finally today I opened my journal and began writing...

about who and what I am: I AM NOT A NICE GUY! I am not a SMART or any kind of INTELLECTUAL MAN! I have NO education. I slipped through High School with a D+ average. I am far from handsome... I do not have an 8 or 10 inch penis. (well? depends on...) I cannot memorize things or speak or pronounce words correctly. I am a total failure with money. I'd have NOTHING money-wise if it were not for other people's kindness and efforts. I honestly am too stupid to know how to invest, save or make money out of money! I live off other people's efforts. I am ZERO!

I am a LIE! I am what makes this world the hell hole it is! Sometimes I believe I am the energy that makes life evil the only sad thing is: I HAVE NEVER ADMITTED TO THE FACT I AM A FARCE!

I play my music, I read my poetry, I try to cure myself from all kinds of ailments with drugs and natural supplements. I read philosophy, drink water out of blue glass bottles with quartz crystals in the bottles! I light candles at night, I burn incense, I smile at people and pretend I have made them happy?

I have pulled one hell of a lot of things off because: I learned at a very young age to surround myself with people that were talented, intelligent and had class. I have made myself to look acceptable in the eyes of some people because of the people I associate with. Well, some of those people will NEVER be IMPORTANT in my life again...

The ceiling and walls of my phony Sacred Cathedral crumbled into dust today! GONE! The old man does not care anymore!
The old man is sick and tired of being propped up by other people. The old man wants his void... his zero point of existence.

It is raining as I write. The rain is full of ghosts tonight that tap and sigh against the glass and listen for reply...

Hold on 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride... Things are heating up in my brains and when that happens it means drastic changes... Don't panic those of you that think you know me, I am NOT running away or into an abyss of destruction and eternal hell, I am simply stating facts. I have lived a huge lie for 61 years! I see a tiny light somewhere that will claim me.

I'll be seeing you...