The Orb!

Sorry, it must be the altitude! After I published the blog I realized I had not posted the photo with the blue orb.

Spring time in the rockies...

When I was a very little boy I heard my grandparents sing many songs and one song was a waltz that I have forever loved:
"When It's Springtime In The Rockies". I live in the heart of the Rocky Mountains. Winters are harsh, but the birthing of Spring is a spiritual event that one must see, touch, and breathe to be appreciated.

I walk into the forest behind the house every morning and meditate. Yesterday was an amazingly hot day for April 6th! 68 degrees and many new, shimmering small streams were being created by snow banks melting in the hot sunshine. I had my camera in my backpack and had to share some photos.

One is of a rock that I often sit upon and meditate as I listen to all the birds singing and small creatures of the woods scurrying around as they set up their summer homes! Deer and Elk often sleep among the cedar and pine trees. The weight of the heavy snow had caused many pine tree branches to snap and fall along the pathway. Cedar and Sagebrush as well as Oregon Grape are everywhere and under the dense grass tiny wild flowers are just beginning to bloom!

The white rock has an opening in it that resembles an eye. There is a hole in the top and the side that creates a tunnel and when rain water or ice settles inside the bottom of the tunnel sunshine causes a brilliant sparkling effect to glint from the eye shaped entrance into the rock. Thus I call it ROCK EYE or EYE ROCK!

The mountain view from the rock is similar to the mountain in the movie, " Brokeback Mountain". Therefore I call it my Brokeback Mountain.
In the one photo you may see a very small "ORB" in the center of the mountain. It is a blue orb.

Working hard and loving the Alpine air, altitude and wide open skies!

I'm comin' home...

In the 70's John Denver sang a song with such lyrics... Something to do with "tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree..."
Played that song 1,000 times in Viet Nam. 1968 - 1973. I toured the Pacific Islands, Korea, (3 times) Germany, and Europe, (3 Times) Iceland, Japan, the Mediterranean, Alaska, it goes on and on... but one thing I always knew, I would be coming home! (even without yellow ribbons!)

I love New Zealand. A part of my heart honestly belongs here, because of my DNA. My Great Grandfather served a Mormon Mission here in and around 1896 - 1900... I also, have a a very common surname, Johnston which is Scottish and is a very common name in NZ. I cannot find a more perfect place for a holiday than NZ.

NOW after 5 months I am ready to return to my Brokeback Mountain and make some money... I honestly do love Wyoming. I always have. In the 70's I drank enough vodka in Evanston and Rock Springs WY to sink a major battle ship. I used to say: "When I grow up, I will move to WY and marry a Cowboy"... Well I did not get the cowboy, but I did get WY.

No place on earth has such views of the western skies and the Tetons are breath taking. My body, soul and mind know where I belong and it is in Alpine, WY. I will fly out of Auckland NZ Monday afternoon. 11 - 12 hours in the air and I will land in LAX. Then walk to Domestic Flights Delta and fly to SLC, UT. From there I will drive to Alpine, WY.

Last year I created a recording I have tried to manifest the past 11 years... I DID IT! This year, I had a knee replacement, which I never in my wildest imagination thought possible.

I read more books than I have read in years and I did not take a hike on the wild side. I did achieve some very sacred and spiritual events. I had a 4 1/2 hour life regression session! I discovered new ways to make my body well... I discovered so many mental and physical truths on a level that is difficult for me to write about. I reached for the sky and I touched it with my own two hands.

I will write one more blog before leaving my studio in Queenstown. I also had one of many blessings... after 13 years My Diviana and Zen Man came to see me in QT. UN-FUNKING-BE-LIEV-ABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could write a book about it. Four of my favorite Goddess's saved my life! Divi, Debbie, Belva, and Shirley. If I ever get the four of them together God only knows what could happen to life as we know it.

I am off to bed. Big day tomorrow. Tie and yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree 'cause I'll be seeing you!

Moon River...

The moon! That tiny satellite that keeps the planet's tides flowing... it's magnetic pull helps keep the space ship we live on in a balanced state of spinning faster than the eye can see.

We all appear slightly different in various shades of light. Candle light, sun light, stage lighting, infra red light, and yes moon light, even starlight!

Hundreds of years ago certain rituals and ceremonies were performed during the light of the full moon. One event was that of the American Native Indians, who planted crops during the full moon and the seeds were planted by woman that were in full cycle of their periods... they also planted crops by placing bits of fish guts and small fish in the ground to serve as fertilizer and nourishment to the seed. We are at least 90% water, fish are created and live in water... eggs, which are really seeds that live within a saline solution of blood deep within a woman's body...

Tonight the moon it 90% FULL. That means it is kind of like my body being 90% of water... Last night I awoke after having been sound asleep for two hours. I got out of the bed, put on my bath robe and walked up the stairs that lead into the kitchen. We have a window at the top of the stair well that looks directly into the sky! The moon was shimmering as if it were vibrating!
I unlocked the kitchen door and stepped out onto the patio. Every blade of grass was being kissed by moonlight!

Without warning the words to a song I playing in High School began singing within my skull... Moon River! It was the theme song for my Jr. Prom when I was in High School. I did not have a date or want one at the time, but I did attend the prom as I was to perform this very piece at intermission.

Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Where ever you're go-in' , I'm going your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, wait-in' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me...

I've watched moon light on rivers all over the world and on oceans, lakes and I always love the way moonlight dances on rows of water running through corn fields when I would irrigate late night into the early morning hours... (were talking years ago!)

Moon River the rainbow has been wait-in' 'round the bend more times than naught in my lifetime. Thank you.

April 2008 NZSO CONCERT

The New Zealand Symphony Orchestra resides within a very sacred part of my musical heart, mind and spirit. Last night was no exception! A new conductor! I was looking forward to the conductor from last year however, this young man is from Finland, and more than proved his worth as a conductor. Name, Pietari Inkinen. His hair is beautiful and his body and face are very easy on the eyes!

The symphony made use of every acoustical niche and cranny within the walls of the great Town Hall in the city of Dunedin.

Starting with Douglas Liburn's Aotearoa Overture. Simply used every instrument within the world of symphony! Gorgeous. This piece was composed in 1940 while Liburn was a student in London. It's first performance was in 1940. The NZSO's file records that Aotearoa was first performed by the NZSO under G. Warrack in 1953.

The guest artist for last night's concert was a Cellist, Natalie Clein. One of Britain's leading cellists. This young woman took the Elgar Cello Concerto in E minor Op. 85 to an entire different level. I have heard Julian Lloyd webber perform this piece with such elegance and heart wrenching agony, however, Natalie approached the piece with a delicate and very feminine energy. I cried!

Intermission was a much needed break.

The Crowning Jewel of the evening was the Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 5 in E minor Op. 64. ONE OF MY FAVORITE SYMPHONIES. At intermission everyone was handed a roll of confetti and ribbons to toss from the balcony seats into the orchestra and on the patrons below. The passion and fervour and orchestral colours of this symphony were beyond brilliant. The opening clarinet theme is a haunting memory. I learned the melody to the second movement when I was about 8 years old which was arranged for a very simple piano piece, from that time forth I have always loved it.

In notes found shortly after Tchaikovsky's death, he referred to the brief programme he had roughed out for the 5Th Symphony: "Introduction. Complete resignation before FATE, or, which is SAME, before the INSCRUTABLE predestination of PROVIDENCE. Allegro, Murmurs, doubts, plaints, reproaches against xxx Shall I throw myself in the embraces of faith???"

The entire hall was on it's feet and pounding the floor boards at the conclusion of this magnificent piece of art. (FULL HOUSE BTW!)

The NZSO was founded the year of my birth, 1946. On August 21, 1946 with Andersen Tyrer conducting they performed this very symphony! I have copies of very old photographs that were taken in the early 50's of Percy Grainger with the NZSO!

To say the least it was a night of magical vibrations and deep emotions. I am a blessed man beyond my wildest dreams! Music has no time frames. It is the past, present and future and most of all it is what we are. It is the universe. The invisible made visible and felt in every atom of the emotional fabric.

Keep the good vibes flowing.

A first in four months...

Yesterday I walked into St. Peter's Anglican Church. It is a lovely small chapel with stained glass windows and a wonderful very old pipe organ. Years ago, I played two concerts to help raise money to restore the old organ. In the early 90's an elderly, very wealthy member of the church donated money for a brand new Yamaha baby grand piano to be a gift for the church. Some members were distressed as they felt the money for the piano should have been used for missionary purposes and to care for the needy.
Well, that piano has been a blessing for that church.

I have not played on a acoustic piano in a little more than 4 months! I have a fine electric keyboard here in my studio, but yesterday was a splendid autumn day. The light that filtered through the stain glass drew me to the place it settled upon, the black lacquered finish of the piano! I dropped my back pack, and seated myself before the alter of black and white keys... My hands went straight for the position of the Prelude in C Major by J.S. Bach!

I had forgotten how delicate this piano was! How light and yet silvery it's sweet voice. It never had a rich bass and at times I dreaded performing certain compositions on it. My heart took me to familiar pieces such as Clair de lune, Fur Elise... I simply opened to the music and allowed IT to play through me.

I know that the piano is not really a solid mass but made up of many atoms with space between each cell and I often wonder if, just IF that piano remembers me? Does it remember my hands, my weight and emotions when I performed on it years ago? The thrill of vibration and the sense of touch was a pure moment of ecstasy. I suddenly became sentimental for so many other pianos I have played and loved to make music with!

I have always envied acoustic guitar players. The gorgeous feeling of cradling the sensuous shape of the guitar upon your thighs and then the feeling of harmonic vibrations echoing through your mind, body and space! made possible by your own two hands. To feel the wood pulsating against your chest, against your heart!

I must go back to that church and play the baby grand one more time before I leave NZ. I'll play I'll Be Seeing YOU!

I am walking into town and up and down slopes!

This photo was taken on day three in hospital. The drips had been removed from my hand, the catheter taken out of my secret parts and the ice machine taken off my knee! A beautiful lunch. Tuna nestled on a bed of fresh greens with boiled potatoes and hard boiled eggs. Whole grain bread and yogurt. Right after the picture was taken I felt like hell! I could not eat my lunch. Strange. Not strange?

When I was in hospital a dear friend gave me a wooden plaque cut in the shape of a heart. It is painted in hues of blue and lavender with an arabesque of pansies framing these words: "THIS IS THE LUXURY OF MUSIC: IT LOOSENS ALL THE HIDDEN
SPRINGS OF SORROW AND OF JOY! I LOVE IT FOR WHAT IT MAKES ME FORGET AND WHAT IT MAKES ME REMEMBER..."

I'll be seeing you...

The Knee replacement

I did not come to New Zealand this year flirting with any thoughts about having my left knee replaced! If anything, I was determined to do more walking, read more books and with physical therapy I would cure the problem.

I am a devout believer that we all have guardian angels that direct us down paths we consciously would never dream of setting foot upon, be it energy from people we have loved that have crossed over to other dimensions or some force from the universe that we are invisibly connected to in such a way that it guides and speaks to us in ways we are not always aware of.

I had the consultation with the surgeon/specialist about three weeks ago. He could only perform the knee replacement on March 20th. This was a concern because of my flight back to the states being on April 28th. That was under the allotted time frame of a 6 week space before one should fly on a jet airplane for up to 12 hours non stop!

I received a call from Mercy Hospital saying they could slot me in for surgery on March 6th! Not a problem except that I had a very bad bladder infection! Not much time to clear the mess up. I drank gallons of cranberry juice, took antibiotics and barely passed the test!

I have never had a major operation. I was scared shit-less. I have a circle of amazing friends that I am in contact with at least two or three times a week via the Internet. They are all women that are blest with the power of healing. One friend sent me a long over due letter that chastised my negative thinking and lack of love for my self! Another said do not do this until I had taken certain steps in diet, and herbal supplements, another said do it and move on... they all were concerned and only had love and concern for my situation. I nearly pulled out the last minute! Fear of literally not being able to walk if a mistake was made or not coming out of the anesthesia.

Entered the hospital at 11:30 AM Thursday March 6th. Said goodbye to Michael and walked into the room for pre operation procedures. I had met my Anesthesiologist the night before. After taking my clothes off and donning the hospital gown, I laid on the gurney that I figured would become the alter for my blood sacrifice! The nurse gave me a pill. I looked around and joked with the various nurses, then the shot in the arm... I awoke around 5:30 PM hearing my name being gently spoken and seeing my Anesthetist at the foot of the bed. He smiled and said "It went perfect!" Suddenly the platform was spun around and It felt like I was on a jet boat flying through doors, into an elevator and into a room where my extended family had been waiting for hours.

I had a spinal along with the anesthesia. My body was numb, dead from the waist down. Could not move my feet. My left leg was wound in gauze and an ice machine was keeping it cold because of swelling. I had oxygen tubes in my nose, a drip in the top of my left hand and a catheter in my penis. I was itching like hell. I am sure I slurred every word that came out of my mouth... but I was not in pain. However, I could not sleep. Two amazing nurses came in to take my blood pressure, oxygen levels and would roll me onto my side and massage my back and feet. I did not have a pump for pain. I did not want all the drugs, so we went with panidol and Oxycontin... for the first two days and nights. I sat in bed the next morning and brushed my teeth, a nurse bathed me and once again massaged my feet and back. I was able to flex my ankles. GOOD SIGN.

Second night they gave me a tablet to help me fall asleep. It did help. The pain started around 4 AM. I mean unexplainable pain.
I got through it but by the third day I thought I had possibly done the worst if not the absolute most horrible thing I could have done to my body. I could not get comfortable. I could not stand the pain. I kept doing the various exercises they had me do while laying in bed. My mind kept going in and out of places I have been and places I have never been... People that I have not seen or thought of in years flashed in and out of my visual cortex! The nurses were unbelievable. They came in every half hour. My surgeon and Anesthesiologist visited me every morning and night!

The nurse that removed my catheter was truly an angel. I will never be able to put into words what it felt like. The balloon released from the bladder, but the whole thing became stuck at the head of my joy stick!!! She could not get it out! I was a good boy. I breathed as deep as possible and tears flew out of my eyes. Blood had dried around the opening of the urethra. This amazing nurse told me to "pedal like mad with my left foot and make a fist" I did and out it came! Blood and urine also came rushing out. Next the drips were taken out, but the needle in my hand had to remain in case I needed a blood transfusion or morphine drip... Finally the nurse removed the ice machine... then the cutting away of the bandages.

Layers of beige gauze, then a white fluffy fabric was around the knee. She removed that and there was my wound. A plastic bandage over the incision. Knee was not badly swollen. She helped me up and into the shower! I was exhausted.
I would lay and read, then concentrate on sending all the healing medicines and vibrations possible into that knee. I had created a play list on my I pod titled, "Brent's healing music". Clair de lune, Reverie, Meditation from Thais the list goes on and some Jon Serrie creations that I believe with all my heart helped heal me as much as the medication.

Everyone kept raving on about how well things were coming. I was up and walking the halls and stairs the fourth day. I finally asked to only walk with the one crutch. then I tried no crutches... I was of course weak and became extremely tired after a walk. I'd lay down and rest, then get up again and do the walk about the hall way. By the fifth night I was ready to come home.

It was a long ride in the car back to Queenstown. Four hours. I sat in the passenger seat, then laid in the back seat but I did it. I walked up the flight of stairs onto the landing where my studio and the ground level of the house is situated. Greeted with much love and joy! Everyday has been a STEP toward more walking and I have a straight leg! If all goes well I can fly home without worries of blood clots and I am only taking Panidol for pain. I am going to rid my body of as many prescription drugs of which I have taken for years...

The hospital I was in is a Private Hospital. The care was like nothing I have ever witnessed in the USA! The staff were indescribable. Part of the reason for such an amazing recovery: I had good muscles and tendons in my legs. The years of walking, hiking and working out in the gym honestly PAID OFF in ways I never dreamed possible!!!

I have not used my crutches since I have been home. I cancelled the raised toilet seat thing, the grabber tool, all the physical things I was told to use IF I needed them! I walk. NOT on inclines and down slopes, but on flat surfaces and can now walk quite well up the stairs without putting both feet on one step at a time. "the GOOD FOOT FIRST when going up stairs and the BAD FOOT first when going down stairs". I am eating and cooking our dinners. I spend a lot of time resting and loving the views. Yesterday I sat in the Autumn sun light for 15 minutes stark naked! Soaking in the healing rays of the sun and the beautiful clean air. New Zealand was the place I was to have this operation performed.

I believe in the power of numbers! The number 8 is a very important number in my life. The year 2008 is the year for much healing and putting many things of my past aside and stepping into a new light!

I will be chasing rainbows very very soon and most of all I'll be seeing you!

Man & a Blue Piano...

My most talented sister, Teresa painted this for me! I love Marc Chagall's work. She recreated a sense of his "style" in this piece of art.

In the package was a letter she had written with a photo of Chagall she had copied from the Internet, showing him working in his New York Studio, 1942.

"Color is ALL. When color is right, form is right. Color is everything, color is vibration like music; everything is vibration."
...Marc Chagall...

"Only love interests me, and I'm only in contact with things I love!" ...Marc Chagall...

Waking up to something you love!

Yesterday was a magical day. I met my surgeon for the knee replacement. He is the chosen one my higher self wants to perform the operation.

When he came into the lobby of the hospital to take me into his office for consultation he casually asked, "So how is Rachmaninoff?" I was thrown completely off the tracks! I said, "I'm sorry but I don't understand?" He said, "You are a pianist?" I laughed, then said, "yes, I have sometimes "imagined" I was..." This man does his research! I have performed in New Zealand from the Great Hall in Christchurch to Queenstown New Zealand where I performed my last concert! From that moment I knew I was in the hands of an angelic surgeon and I hope to take a photo of his hands! They are beautiful! This dream Only Gets Better!

He said the earliest he could perform the surgery would be March 20th... Well, a person is not supposed to fly for approximately 12 hours for at least 6 weeks after surgery. Fear of blood clots, especially in people over 55 years of age! YUCK! I fly out of New Zealand every year on April 28th.

The hospital called today and I will have the surgery on March 6th! in a private hospital, in Dunedin. Mercy Hospital (a hell of a lot is going on, on another level of quantum thinking here... I understand it, but am not going to explain it at this time...) What a blessing!

When I returned home from Dunedin last night there was a long tube containing a print I had ordered in December of 2007. The package was leaning against the door of my studio!

I wanted this print to hang in the bedroom so that every morning when I woke up I would gaze on someplace that I absolutely love... Monet's painting: "Sunset over Venice". Almost three months later here it is via Snail Mail! I immediately pinned it up. I love Italy, because Bartholomew Christophrie invented the piano! Michael Angelo, Italy is a very important part of our history...

This morning I awoke to this print straight ahead of me... Gazing back at me from the wall !!!!!!!!! I cried.

Tonight is a full moon... Exciting times... Good times... I'll be seeing you soon...

Sweet blessings...

Today my sister sent me a copy of a painting she has created for me.
(I did not have the slightest idea she was creating a painting for me!) The painting is called "Man and a Blue Piano"

... Amazingly enough, this relates to many things. I will post a picture of the painting later, but it has a full moon, mountains, a blue grand piano and a man with blonde hair sitting on a red chair playing a piano. A bouquet of flowers... Steinway and Sons created a BLUE GRAND STEINWAY PIANO in memory of Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue or his Birthday or something he did??What a sweet blessing on my heart, body and mind! Also a special friend of mine published a book she wrote called, THE BLUE PIANO AND OTHER STORIES...

Yesterday my NZ neighbor, who is a fantastic talent here in NZ as well as internationally, such a artist, brings over a HUGE TROUT. Fresh, he had caught it, cleaned it and gave it to us. I am the only one in the family that eats fish! I baked it in some olive oil, herbs and white wine... Well, it is simply gorgeous. I am eating it as I type this blog. It is so moist and such an exciting taste. Fresh, NOT FROZEN, FRESH TROUT when steamed or poached can almost taste like sex! Sorry for that information, but true. (Kind of like mushrooms for some people reminds them of ___!

Went into a strange museum in Clyde today. Old photos, old copies of music under glass, wedding dresses and type writers from the 1800's!!! Such amazing things that signaled a chemical in my brain and that chemical sent a signal to my emotions that sang a song about how I have been here before! I understand all this... I could not leave the old photos of the rugby teams... I kept seeing a face I KNOW! God it was like the movie "Somewhere In Time"...

I also received a wonderful long letter written in very tiny hand printed script from a soul mate and friend. She had made the card on pink paper with a picture of a dining room filled with flowers and table settings on a pink table cloth... She wrote about a walk we had taken out to Farewell Spit a few years back... I have a scrap book of the entire hike through the Golden Bay! She is one of my soul sisters and such a pure hearted woman. She takes the scent of every rose and breathes it into her very blood. She sees a sunset and it becomes her. She is a Goddess...

The Universe gave me a wonderful book to read at the moment. A novel by Kate Mosse, SEPULCHER. Full of stuff I love and most of all DEBBUSY!!! Life is not so bad after all. All I ever need to do is: Relax and breathe in the moment and I am forever amazed at the blessings I have.

The moon should be about 75% full tonight. At about midnight I may have to pour a half glass of Pinot and fill the rest of the glass with moonlight! Starlight is so magical when it enters a cup of moonlight and ruby Pinot Noir...

I'll Be Seeing You...

Open door with a sunset.

This afternoon round 6:30 PM was absolutely gorgeous. I had just cut lavender and roses for my studio and the door was wide open for anyone to enter... Such a beautiful sky. The beginning of a new moon...
A cup of moonlight would be divine...

decision

I had to share a photo I just took of my fresh Lavender. It grows like magic bean stocks in the garden. It is a wonderful cleansing agent and antibiotic. I cut fresh Lavender every other day and fill my space with it's tall and powerful arms.

Did not sleep last night. Tossed, turned, sat up, got up, went back to bed... finally felt like I was trying to catch a fish in the net of the wind... Somewhere between starlight and first light of morning I finally fell into a fitful slumber. I awoke at 7:30 AM. Made myself a potato and onion omlette with feta cheese and rye bread washed down with strong coffee.

I drove out to Anna's for my 10:00 AM reflexology appointment. I love my sessions with Anna.

About half way through my hour of relaxation and massage, I suddenly had a "flash decision"...

This week I will set the appointment for X-rays on my trashed elbow and dilapidated knee joint. I take these X-rays to the surgeon that worked on a dear friend of mine here in Arrowtown. He will then decide IF it is Arthritis or can be operated on.
I am sick and tired of being mean and hateful because I am in pain and discomfort most of time. I am angry because I hurt and cannot seem to heal myself. Well, DAAAHHHH it is front of my brain at around 10:30 AM... Simply get the damn thing fixed.

We are driving to Invercargill in the morning for a day and a night. Invercargill is where I recorded my OPEN HEART recording.
I love the place. The southern most city on planet earth... SO I AM TOLD.

Tonight I will sleep. I have made up my mind to get this thing repaired and put it behind me. Such a beautiful conclusion. BUT, it was one only myself could make for myself. I kept hoping I could hold off until I turned 65 and could use some that tax money I have dumped into Medicare over the past years... I would rather have it operated on down here than in the states.

I'll Be Seeing you... in all the old familiar places, that this heart of mine embraces all day through... in that small cafe, the park across the way, the children's carosel, the chestnut tree the wishing well....

I love that song. Only thing was I hated the way Liberace sang it! Sorry~ John Geary sings it like an angel.

A new flower...

I arrived home from a full day in the village to find a beautiful flower on my door step. A friend purchased a new splash of color for the entrance to my studio and the house! Like a smile from the universe! Color, (an incredible vibration of a celestial order) and living green leaves (mother earth's real colors, also the heart chakra.) Light... the speed of many things...

I had to take a photograph of the living blossom to share with all my friends that are frozen in the north lands!

Today was a much better day! Did the gym thing. Had a wonderful lunch at the Casino. A pasta made with fresh mushrooms and pastrami with herbs. I can make this but it seems to taste so divine when a young man from New Caladonia, (French) makes it and buys you a glass of wine! My ego flew all over the place! (Karmic justice: I was nice to older people when I was very very very young! Pay back time!!!)

Took my Swiss Army wrist watch in for a new battery. I purchased this watch years ago at the Jackson Lake Lodge in the Tetons. Well, the lady at this particular jewlery store I took it to said it had to be checked for it's water proofing and she felt it was a tresure of a watch as they do not make these anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD! NO! I told her the watch was like me! They don't make "ME" anymore... that is not true. So next Friday I will have my watch back.

Made a crappy dinner of bread, dips and cold cuts with fresh veggies... Just could not get into the cook thing tonight! Probably the pasta. I was FULL to the BRIM with delicious food that I love! (and the Chef from Casino was not here! Haaaa!)

Tomorrow is Sunday. That transelates into a trip into the wine country. Lunch at some wonderful winery and a stop for coffee later, or at least a stop at the BP for petro and the Sunday papers.

Enjoy the flowers. I am!

A much happier man!

Interesting sky this evening. I am forever amazed at what the camera picks up as compared to my vision. Today was a wonderful day. Gym. Hard work out... Lunch at "Halo" a cafe I adore and then grocery shopping at the Organic Grocery Store. What more could I ask for! (I know money and perfect what ever!!!)

Angels surround us and forever watch over us!
Talk tomorrow.

Angry for being ANGRY!

Is there such a thing as being angry at yourself for being angry???

I know some of the underlying reasons for why I lashed out, opened my mouth and let it explode with a poison that is rattlesnake death when I sting with words they are like bullets from a nuclear weapon.

All of my life I have enjoyed amazing health and I have taken steps to insure that I would not have to suffer many of the problems most people engage after the age of 55. My body refuses to heal the way it used to! I do not need to go into details but I have had one hell of a time making friends with Mr. Arthur Ritis... The arthritis is not helping the healing process with my elbow. I will have it and my knee examined before I leave NZ.

I have had a most interesting 6 months of INVENTING and IMAGINING NEW WAYS OF SURVIVING IN AN OLD SPACE SUIT! I have given up many thing that were a major part of my everyday life from exercise to playing piano. Meaning: I still go to the gym but I have invented a totally new routine... I still play piano, but in a different manner. I walk slower but with more meaning. I still pray but with less begging! I like to think that my God is bigger than two books called the Old & the New Testaments! I have learned that ORGANIZED RELIGION is for those that do not want to go to hell. SPIRITUALITY is for those who have been to hell and don't want to ever go back!

I made a list of my LIKES and my DIS-LIKES.

LIKES:

Sunsets, moonlight, most music except RAP. Pianos, Very aged cheese. Fine wines. Fresh home made breads, Movies, Gyms. If it has weight I'll lift it! Muscles that are developed from dedication and hard work. Like: Dancer's bodies, swimmers, shoulders, vintage body builders.
I love cats and most pets. Quartz crystals, very good organic coffee, the scent of earth, rain water and herb gardens in the moonlight.
Very old used book stores. ANYTHING APPLE, Macintosh. Massages, Yellow roses and sweet peas. Pansies and tulips. Kindness and forgiveness. Metaphysics, candle light, travel, the three musical "B's" and Debussy.
Keith Olbermann and Albert Einstein. Oh! I like the natural odor or the human body. NICE odor not the rotten smells of filth or smells that are artificial. I do like organic, natural foods.

DIS-LIKES:

Bigoted, small minds. DOGMAS. Junk mail, CONFRONTATIONS with dick heads.
Almost all perfumes. Tattoos, Loud noise, Men that shave their body hair? WHY?
Ann Coulter. Bullies, GW Bush, Dick Cheney,
Television, people that abuse: ANY KIND OF ANIMAL! their partners and abuse innocent children.
I hate Authority figures.
Hand and bath soap that are shaped into balls?
Insane consumerism and being used as cannon fodder for my country or a religion!

This blog site is fastly becoming my therapist for all things~

The sun has set on my depression...

I am feeling somewhat better about my "killer mouth"...

I am my own worst enemy and thought that I had slaughtered that demon years ago. Well, guess what the bastard shoved his hairy head right up my ass and out of my mouth and I have suffered.

I will ONLY and I HOPE WITH ALL MY HEART

ONLY TALK ABOUT MY INNER FEELINGS ON THIS BLOG SITE!

Safer and it keeps life moving at an "andante to poco allegro" vibration. I have had my brain smashed up against a very serious lesson in A Course In Miracles... "You are never angry for the reasons you think!" I am still trying to figure it all out.

This sunset was my kiss from the universe this evening. I'll be seeing you soon...

The most honest words I will ever write...

Last night I had a screaming argument with the last person on earth I would ever want to argue with... My partner. We were having a dinner party and he starts in about the "blacks" one more time... explaining how the Irish were the white trash of the world and they came to America and made something of their lives where as the Blacks never quite got beyond... blah blah blah... I nearly died. I explained or tried to explain that IRISH even JEWS were WHITE! Blacks have been cursed since the beginning of the Hebrew Old Testament. Cain & Able!!!!!!!!!!!!! It got worse. It became so ugly there were tears shed... NOT MINE! I have known and loved some amazing BLACK HUMAN BEINGS! My partner has never even carried on a conversation with one.......... but OMFG he sounded like a Red Republican Bigoted Idiot!

Finally today I opened my journal and began writing...

about who and what I am: I AM NOT A NICE GUY! I am not a SMART or any kind of INTELLECTUAL MAN! I have NO education. I slipped through High School with a D+ average. I am far from handsome... I do not have an 8 or 10 inch penis. (well? depends on...) I cannot memorize things or speak or pronounce words correctly. I am a total failure with money. I'd have NOTHING money-wise if it were not for other people's kindness and efforts. I honestly am too stupid to know how to invest, save or make money out of money! I live off other people's efforts. I am ZERO!

I am a LIE! I am what makes this world the hell hole it is! Sometimes I believe I am the energy that makes life evil the only sad thing is: I HAVE NEVER ADMITTED TO THE FACT I AM A FARCE!

I play my music, I read my poetry, I try to cure myself from all kinds of ailments with drugs and natural supplements. I read philosophy, drink water out of blue glass bottles with quartz crystals in the bottles! I light candles at night, I burn incense, I smile at people and pretend I have made them happy?

I have pulled one hell of a lot of things off because: I learned at a very young age to surround myself with people that were talented, intelligent and had class. I have made myself to look acceptable in the eyes of some people because of the people I associate with. Well, some of those people will NEVER be IMPORTANT in my life again...

The ceiling and walls of my phony Sacred Cathedral crumbled into dust today! GONE! The old man does not care anymore!
The old man is sick and tired of being propped up by other people. The old man wants his void... his zero point of existence.

It is raining as I write. The rain is full of ghosts tonight that tap and sigh against the glass and listen for reply...

Hold on 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride... Things are heating up in my brains and when that happens it means drastic changes... Don't panic those of you that think you know me, I am NOT running away or into an abyss of destruction and eternal hell, I am simply stating facts. I have lived a huge lie for 61 years! I see a tiny light somewhere that will claim me.

I'll be seeing you...

camera delima!

l have taken some amazing photos in the past 4 weeks, but I lost my Kodak easy share program in the computer and I am a lazy shit that will not take the time...(I will eventually) and restore the program... So I have all these photos that are breathtakingly gorgeous but you can't see them because I have to get into a very time consuming effort and re-install the old program...

Today was one of those wonderful summer days you simply can't let go of. Hot, sunshine, green grass folding over and over into the breath of the wind and clouds so magnificent they could pass for heaven! The air was full of earth, roses, lavender and rosemary... hints of pine and lost sheep on the mountain as they paced back and forth eating green life and searching for the nearest shade tree!

Tomorrow is a new week. Last night 'round 3:30 AM I awoke, put on my ancient bath robe and went outside.

The moon was 90% full and Clair de lune was permeating every living thing, sleeping or fully awake!

I removed my robe, laying it on the ground, then laid my white body on the robe and indulged in a moon bath! Divine grace. I actually did a hell of a lot of deep cleaning in the brain area.

Moon light is just as important as Sun shine. I know Sunshine has vitamin D but maybe, just maybe, moonlight has vitamin "D"-ream and vitamin "P"-eace of mind within its vibrations... All I do know is: I talked to my cats back in WY. I visited with some friends that are no longer with me and I sent three big packages of love to three friends that are alive and well. I did send some love to family and most of all I remembered to love myself!

(These are the moments you wish to hell you had saved that certain "bud of paradise" and were able to inhale it as the moon kissed your more sensitive parts!)

Life is very balanced for me at the moment!

I'll be seeing you... BJ

A great talent has left this dimension!!!

Heath Ledger was found dead this morning in his apartment in Brooklyn NY. I admired this man beyond words.

His role in Broke Back Mountain was amazing and I love that movie because I LIVED THAT MOVIE in the 1960's! Heath fit the part of Ennis perfectly.
Heath was born in Perth the land of OZ. (Australia) He was 28 years old. I nearly fainted when I saw his age. I attempted suicide when I was 28. FAILED! Kind of like so many other things I tried when I was 28!

His role in Brokeback represented endless problems in the 60's relating to love, and relationships.

In 1965 I was in Los Angeles when the Watts riots broke out. You had to have been there to believe the hate, anger, whites against blacks... Another problem in the 60's Blacks, (racial) were not allowed to marry whites. It was done but never approved of. Viet Nam was a nightmare from the depths of hell and the list goes on... BUT, some fantastic music was created out of the 60's and 70's and many changes. From LSD drugs to the LDS Church!

I honestly try to forgive so much of life's insanity, but there are times I really have to shake my head in amazement that I am still here!