Since 1968 I have regarded my mother as a demon.
Not because she ever abused me as a child physically, sexually or even mentally. It all happened because of a tape recording from a man that had fallen in love with me. I was 21. I came home late one evening and found my mother weeping as well as slightly hysterical. She had invaded my privacy. I left that house and never returned with the same sense of freedom or joy I had experienced before that dreadful day.
I was nearly 22 year old then. Now that I am 60 going on 61, and I am most grateful to my mother and the circumstances that brought that MOMENT of "NEVER MORE", to my spiritual and mental life. Because of that event I set upon a Spiritual Path of Awakening that I would have never set foot upon had it not been for the things and events that transpired after that explosion of passion, disappointment and fear!
I returned to NYC and a life of being a gay man. I turned to alcohol and other means of escape. I grew bitter towards the Mormon Church, I hated WOMEN most of all because THEY HAVE caused me more pain and suffering than there are words for.
When I was 15, I was seduced by a Mormon Bishop's wife. (That will kill some people when they read that.)
I carried that inside my soul for years, because it went on with the same woman for years.
Then my mother turned on me over a love affair with a man older than myself. The story goes on and on...
Here is the interesting part... The Bishop's wife introduced me to Keats and Shelly, Shakespeare and Kahlil Gibran. Debussy, my future piano teacher and the world of Jazz and Ballet. NO CHARGE EXCEPT MY SEXUAL PERFORMANCE!!!
My mother opened a door of my going "OUT ON A LIMB" to find truth, from reincarnation to science of the mind... Metaphysics.
I could have been an average band or music teacher in the public schools. Had 4 or 5 children. Paid my taxes and died a revered loved man... Been there done that somewhere in my other lives.
This time around it was for going into a new and powerful dimension.
Being overtly gay is not being in touch with one's feminine self. It is being totally out of touch with your female self. It is a trick of the EGO! (I know some of you will shake your heads and say what the fuck!) For me it was and is true. My ego is my curse!
I mean it. Being overtly masculine is not being in touch with your masculine energy or your male self. It is a trick of the ego!
I know MACHO men that HATE GAYS! WHY? I know Gay men that fear and hate MACHO MEN, WHY?
My Ego had me desiring sex with men or women, not as a CELEBRATION but as a NEED. Like a drug, like a power beyond my control...
I thank my mother even though she is unaware of the fact, she set me on a path of truth I shall always be thankful for. I am now learning that sex is a glorious celebration within one's spiritual and cosmic self. It is glorious and beautiful.
The FEMINE POWER IS A POWER I NEVER DREAMED POSSIBLE. The MALE POWER IS A POWER THAT CANNOT EXIST WITHOUT THE FEMALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (go figure?)
As a spiritual guide of mine told me:
"When you can face back toward your TRUE MOTHER, even if you have to do it through FAITH in the BEGINNING of all things, you WILL find " The Left Side of your BODY functioning in perfect harmony with the right side of your body, with no need of denial or anything else. You WILL not just be "ONE HAPPY MAN"... you will be in BLISS... Because in truth, we are all swimming in an ocean of bliss, we just have to become aware of it."
"I know this from personal experience! If you decide to find this for yourself Brent, you will want to kiss your mother's lily white ass for being such a bitch because she drove you to YOUR HIGHEST TRUTH!"
Well truth is, I will kiss my mother's cheeks and leave her lily white ass for her to sit upon. BUT IT IS TRUE.
Balance... Equilibrium... Harmony... Tough shit to say yes to, but for ME it worked. CELEBRATE. Go listen to the music!
1 comment:
I remember the first time my mother confronted me on being gay. I thought at the time that the pain inside of me should have killed me, I wanted to die instead of looking at her with disappointment on her face. I didn't die and what's worse is that I lied to her that I wasn't gay as I went out that night and had my first gay experience. A man in a room at the YMCA in LA [how gay is that?], we laid in bed, he took my clothes off and told me how beautiful I was. I did things with my body that night that felt like magic and I didn't die; my mother told me that gay me die when we make love. She was wrong and from that moment I didn't trust her to know what being gay was.
I lived my life on the fringe and toyed with drugs and alcohol and didn't like either to be honest. I had a beau who beat me when he was drunk and my friend Chris [Prague pal] walked into the room and punched him. I sat shocked on the bed for a long time as Chris showed him the door. I didn't know it then but he was in love with me, in some ways he still is. There is something to be said for someone who really loves you and doesn't ever tell you, it's their actions that say it so loudly. Like your mother and mine.
My mom did come around eventually and even though she's got her own demons to deal with, my life no longer scares her the way it once did. I think it was because I didn't die. But aren't we all dying in the broader sense? I think if we all lived like we were dying that many of the long emotional torments would fall away and we would cement our love sooner and give it more freely than we do. Many of us take to long to love someone. A mother's love is instantaneous, we grow in that place inside for so long and then we emerge to be protected, guided and loved. Mothers aren't perfect but we in turn become the teachers and show them through our lives that love isn't a narrowly defined experience.
Thank you baby for sharing these moments with us. You've taught me so much. Thank you.
Love,
kb
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